Telling our Family! #11

November 9, 2014

  Well, we have been planning to tell our family that we are expecting #3 over Thanksgiving weekend.  We had planned to just show up. . .looking nice and pregnant! But,  its been a bit tricky. . .and we are getting excited! :)  Its so great to say that,  WE ARE EXCITED!

So, today we took some fun pictures to send in an email to our family!  We sent a couple to them and here are a couple of others!

We feel so blessed to be at this point and pray that this little one inside me will continue to grow healthy and strong.  Jillsie has prayed multiple times that this baby will come home and that she can be a good big sister.  She is so sweet and we feel so blessed to have the opportunity to be her parents!  We also pray that we can bring HOME a happy, healthy baby sibling for Jillsie!  

Heartbeat!! 15 weeks #10

November 3, 2014

We found a strong heartbeat!

Because this was a last minute appointment, I was scheduled at the Hospital office.  I felt nervous and anxious as we arrived but did not anticipate the feelings I would have as we got closer to the office.  We exited the elevator and Jake and I both realized where we were in the hospital.  We were right at the labor and delivery suites where we delivered Anneliese. The last time we were there we said goodbye to our sweet little girl, Anneliese. The tears came quickly and shocked me.  Our hands definitely were grasped much tighter as we entered the office.

We were called back to the exam room quickly.  I was tense and felt like I was holding my breath.  She started on the right side of my stomach, and it felt like forever until she got to the left side and finally picked up our little ones heartbeat!  The moment the nurse found the heartbeat, I started to cry, the tension left.  I could have listened to that heartbeat all day!  I'm so grateful for this pregnancy, all I am learning, and the chance to once again put my trust in the Savior.

14 weeks and spotting #9

October 29, 2014

   Today I am 14 weeks.  Yesterday I started spotting.  It's been a very rough two days.

When pregnant with Anneliese it took me awhile to finally relax and let myself be excited....just to have the news broken to us on November 1 that we would be saying goodbye.  Now, just like with Anneliese, it took us awhile to relax and finally let ourselves be excited.  And now, the weekend we have been wanting to get past is here...and we are once again wondering if we are saying goodbye.

I know that Heavenly Father is aware of me, my hopes, my dreams, my wants. . . .but more importantly He is aware of my NEEDS.  He knows what I need, what Jillian needs, what Jake needs. He knows what we need to experience and what we need to learn to grow and reach our fullest potential.  But, if there is one thing I've learned through our experience with Anneliese is that if we turn our struggles over to The Lord, He can make more of us than we ever thought possible.  Our struggles will still cause heartache.  I learned it's not if we let go of our heartache but how I choose to handle the heartache that enables Heavenly Father to work the miracles in our lives.

And so, even though I don't want this pregnancy to end, and am crying as I write it. . .I know that God KNOWS me and knows what is best for our family.

11 week appointment #8

October 8, 2014

Well, we had our first appointment with our OBGYN.  I can't even begin to describe how nervous and stressed I felt.  Was everything going to be ok? Or would we again be in that small percentage that had another little one to say goodbye to?

As the ultrasound started I felt like I was just holding my breath and preparing for any outcome.  And then we saw it....

A GLORIOUS ROUND HEAD!!!!

 Jake and I both started crying.  It was instant relief for that moment! I wanted to just stay in that moment all day.  I could've sat and watched the ultrasound for hours!  We are both so grateful!  And we're very grateful for that moment of relief.

Our Dr came in after the ultrasound and said that we couldn't of had a more perfect ultrasound.  That everything looked perfect.  She gave us the extra 'go ahead' to tell our families and friends.  She said that it was less than a 5% chance of anything going wrong at this point.  Jake and I looked at each other like 5%?! That's high! It was less than a 1% chance of having a child with Anencephaly...and that happened.  So, we've decided to only tell our parents for now.  But, we are both so anxious for the day we tell Jillsie!

Ultrasound déjà vu... #7

September 9, 2014

This morning was our viability ultrasound.  After everything with our last pregnancy and then a beta scare with this one...I have been extra crazy! Lack of sleep, anxiety, sadness, worry. . . The emotions at our house have been out of control.  And, honestly, we've been dreading the ultrasounds.  Our whole world changed after 1 ultrasound that now. . . They just seem like they are bad news.

As we headed out of our neighborhood to our appointment I felt nervous, anxious and really didn't want to go at all.  My heart started to finally relax a little and out jumps a deer! RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR CAR!  So...we hit the deer.  Our front bumper is hanging off and cracked on one side but Bambi is fine. . . .bruised and is missing some hair, but he's alive.

So, needless to say, after that I felt like it was a sign that we should just forget the ultrasound.  We should just stay in our obliviously hopeful life and not get crushed at the Drs office.  But, we didn't do that. . . We went to our appointment.

This viability ultrasound reminded me a lot of our viability ultrasound with Anneliese.  Jake and I were very much convinced and hopeful of a multiple pregnancy, just like we were of this pregnancy.  At our ultrasound the Dr showed us one baby, just like he did again today.  And just like last time, as we are trying to wrap our heads and hearts around one sweet baby. . . The bomb drops.  Last pregnancy, the sac wasn't looking right and we needed to come back a week later.  This time, our little one is measuring behind. . .and we get to come back in a week.

I know that God is able to do ALL things.  I know that His will for our family will ALWAYS be for our best in the long run.  But, I guess I'm just worried about the short distance.  The short distance, in my experience, is hard and painful.  I've learned so much by saying goodbye to our little girl...I would really just like to not learn so much this go around I think.  Or at least learn in a very less painful way.

So, here's to one more week.  One more week of waiting.  One more week of hope.

Praying for a miracle #6

August 23, 2014

Today was a big day for our family.  It's Anneliese's 7 month mark and also the day we had our first blood test to see if we are pregnant.  Our hcg levels came back low.  I test again Monday morning.  The nurses said they want to see it go up by 80%.  This has all been so stressful.  It's been crazy hoping it will work and the roller coaster of just getting pregnant.  Now, we aren't sure if it really did work and still have the stresses of what if we are pregnant but don't get to bring a baby home.  The stress is eating us up.  Trusting that The Lord will truly give us what we need is hard to accept...what if His will right now is having more heartache on our end.  I'm emotionally exhausted.  I know that I learned so much about Heavenly Fathers love and His goodness during this last year, but still worry that I might have something else to learn in a very hard way.  I feel like I keep re-learning how to trust and have hope in The Lords will for my life.  I hope one day I get this down.

On to the 2 week wait. #5

14 August 2014

Well, it's done.  We transfered two little embryos on Monday and now we get to wait for two weeks to see if it worked.  I have been trying to go back and remember what I felt last time and I realized that even if I could remember every little thing it still wouldn't be relevant for this fertility cycle.  Waiting again....you'd think I would learn to just be patient and trust that whatever happens will be for my good...but no, I'm terrified that once again after all of the hoping and trying we will be without  a little one to bring home again.

Transfer Day #4

11 August 2014

Well today is the day! We go in today at 11am and hopefully we will have 2 strong embryos to transfer.  It's been exciting and terrifying at the same time!  I have lots of 'what-ifs' going through my head.  Now that this day is actually here, I hope that I can put my trust in Heavenly Father's will for this fertility cycle.  Just saying that brings tears of fear to my eyes.  I KNOW that I can get through ANYTHING with Heavenly Fathers help.  I learned so much through our experience with Anneliese and grew spiritually in ways that I can't even begin to express and so I know that whatever happens WILL be BEST for me and our family.

6 more days! #3

5 August 2014

Two months in to our FET treatment.  It's crazy to realize that we are truly 6 DAYS away from having the possibility of once again bringing a sweet baby into our family and hopefully bringing them HOME.

We had some great experiences while pregnant with Anneliese, and have had more since saying goodbye.  After one experience Jake and I were both reminded that we would go through ALL of the heartache, sadness, financial worries, and more heartache to give our sweet little girl Anneliese her moment here on earth! We would sacrifice it all again for her!  And that moment has given us the strength to move forward this time around. . . come what may!

Here we go again... #2

15 July 2014

Well. . . We are now on day 3 of  taking the shots to get my body ready to try bringing another baby into our family.  It has felt extra crazy this time around.  We have gone through every possible scenario.  From having IVF work and we get a healthy singleton, healthy multiples, a livable diagnosis to a fatal diagnosis, an early miscarriage, not having the embryos implant and not even having the embryos survive the thaw.  Knowing so many more of the possible things that could go wrong has made our stress and worries skyrocket! We have wondered constantly if we tell our families that we are doing this again or not.  But we worry about our 'what-ifs' and if it would just be better to handle our crazy emotions together as a couple and with Heavenly Father.  I think more than anything, we remember the immense joy we had in finding out we were pregnant with Jillsie.  The joy we experienced as the two of us were filled with so much love and excitement for our new journey together was so memorable that we want that again.  The joy of surprising our family with GREAT news.  So, for now, we will continue through this together and wait to bring others in to this journey.

Moving forward #1

19 June 2014

Next Monday will be 5 months since we had Anneliese.  It has felt so much longer.  We have tried to follow the spirit on how to move forward and when to move forward on growing our family again.  Waiting upon The Lord and His timetable, for children again, has stretched us farther then we could have ever imagined.  But, in May we finally felt good about moving forward with another round of infertility treatments.

We have felt so nervous.

What if it doesn't work this time?

What if it works and we have to say goodbye to another child again?

Fears, that I never thought much about going in the first time for invitro, now seem to be screaming at me.  Because of these fears we waited another month to call our Doctors to move forward.  I wondered if maybe we'd just get pregnant on our own that month. Nope.  When we called back the nurses told me that the lab would be closed for cleaning at the time I would need to be doing the embryo transfer so. . . I was pushed out another month.  But, they wanted me to start the birth control pills now to prepare.  I felt deflated in every way.  Not only are we having to wait another month...we don't even have the hope that we can get pregnant on our own to carry us through this month.

 So, right now, I'm stressed.  IVF isn't something we're doing just to get pregnant. . . It's to bring home a healthy baby! And I can't tell if I'm stressed because I now know the real fears that come with being pregnant and I'm just nervous OR if it means we need to wait a little longer.  So, for now we are continuing to exercise our faith and move forward with our FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) and trying not to let our fears stop us.

The joy and happiness that could be...

This week has been a long week.  I've had a lot of moments of wishing that life could've gone the way I planned. Anneliese would've come in March.  She would've had big chubby cheeks and a great big round head.  Today we would've blessed her at church. She would have an adorable dress and a cute bow.  We would've been celebrating with family after church.  In my head it is perfect.   Just like the day we blessed Jillian.

Well, life definitely doesn't go as planned.  So instead...I cried as our church meetings started, trying not to make eye contact with anyone.  I cried as I watched Jillsie making another baby smile as the church meeting continued.  I cried as we sang a song from Anneliese's funeral.  I cried as I came home feeling more sad than I have in awhile and wishing so desperately for what could have been.

This has been the hardest experience I've ever gone through.  It's hard meeting new people and having them ask how many kids we have.  How do I answer?  We've answered two.   A very casual conversation. . . ended with both me and the girl I was talking to in awkward tears.  We've also answered one.  It usually ends with me ending the conversation quickly because of the heartache that follows AND I don't want to have the conversation end in awkward tears as before.  It's hard because I feel like all of my relationships are surface ones.  I can't get too deep or chat about things of utmost importance because I usually fall apart and feel like I need a week to try again.  It's hard feeling like I'm alone in the whole infertilty AND baby loss world.  I have great friends who know the heartaches of waiting and wanting babies and I also have great friends who know the heartache of losing a baby. . .but I don't have friends who know both.  It's so emotionally draining that I ache even more for what could have been.

But, as I wish for what could have been I am reminded of what I have now.  I have an amazing husband who loves me and our girls so very much.  I have a sweet 4 year old who seems to sense my sadness quicker than all others and is quick to try to be silly and make me laugh.  I also have an amazing testimony of the Plan of Salvation and know that Anneliese is PERFECT where she is and is striving so hard to do all SHE needs to do.  I know that through this trial of saying goodbye; I have a stronger testimony of my Heavenly Father and Saviors love for me.  And that they do have a GREAT plan for me.  I'm still not so convinced of the timing of this plan :) but I KNOW they ARE aware of me, my heartaches and my desires to have more kids.

So, I wish so desperately for what could have been.  But also hope and ache for the joy and happiness that could be.

Waiting

2 months.  Its been a rough 2 months. I've been realizing, once again, the pain of waiting.  Waiting.  Some days it feels like that is all we do. . . wait.  I am starting to realize just how much I hate waiting.   Waiting to bring babies into our family has been a HUGE part of our marriage.  And with the ache of losing Anneliese and now knowing the waiting part is around again. . . its exhausting.  I don't sleep much and seem to cry a lot more.  The last 2 weeks I've felt frustrations about waiting again boil up inside of me to the point where I feel as if I might burst if I am asked to wait a moment longer.  

My frustrations have stemmed a vicious mind battle that has been going on now for a month.  How long will I have to wait this time?  Did we not handle our experience with enough faith?  Will I be strong enough to wait?  What if I can't wait?  After the trial comes the blessing right?  Please end this trial! This battle has been raging. . . I have let it rage. . . for awhile now.   And I am just ready to rest.

  A few weeks ago we went to our infertilty clinic for a consultation. We had 4 embryos to freeze after our first round of invitro and were grateful we had the option of going through another round of treatments.  Our Doctor expressed his sympathy and asked us what we wanted to do next.  We wanted to get pregnant, and have a healthy baby come home with us.  We chatted about a plan and all of our possible options, and if our OBGYN gave the infertility doctors the green light then we could move forward with a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) soon.  We went in expecting to feel excitement and hope, but we didn't.  It didn't feel right to move forward with any treatments right now.  The questions began again for me and the mind battle started.  WHY?

Why do we have to wait AGAIN?  

 I have been praying a lot.  Praying for understanding.  Praying for more children.  Praying for peace, for strength, for the ability to endure well the challenges ahead.  I also re-read all of my posts and wondered if I was still the same girl who just wrote all of the past posts about faith, hope and trusting in the Lords timetable.  After all of the many blessings, sacred experiences, and moments of intensley personal peace and love from My Heavenly Father then; why can't I trust that He is doing what is BEST for me now?  Did I not just learn the importance of turning our burdens over to Our Savior?  Why am I struggling SO much now?  Especially when I know that Heavenly Father is very much aware of ME and of MY situation. I know good things are ahead for our family.  And I pray that I can accept the will of my loving Heavenly Father. . . especially if the answer is. . . wait.    

    

How?

I've been thinking a lot about the word 'how' lately.  'How' has been used a lot in so many of our conversations.  How are you doing?  I don't know how you are doing this.  How is the recovering going?  How are you so strong?  How did this happen?   How can we help?  A lot of the questions, comments, and conversations have included the word 'how' in some way or another.  And so, as I have thought about MY 'hows', I feel very grateful for my struggle of infertility after having Jillian.

In the summer of 2012, I fell apart.  I had been aching quite intensely since the fall of 2011 to be pregnant again and really struggled watching others around me have children.  That summer the ache and want encompassed me.  I felt I had been faithful and had waited long enough.  I had already suffered through this trial...so where was MY blessing?  Why wasn't it happening?  Was I not faithful enough?  With enough faith you can move mountains, right?   It didn't happen.  I REALLY struggled!  I was mad and angry.  My faith was being tested.  I became very cynical and pessimistic about life, faith and God.  I asked Jake for, yet another, priesthood blessing and hoped that I would finally get an answer to my unanswered questions about our infertility.  That night changed me.  The blessing didn't help in the way I thought it would. I didn't get an answer to my questions of 'why?', I didn't get the peace I was searching for, and I didn't get any NEW information on our situation and what we should do.  But, looking back, I can see how that blessing changed my course from turning away from God and turning to Him with more dedication than ever before.  Don't get me wrong, after the blessing I was mad.  I didn't get up with a renewed sense of purpose or a peaceful feeling to turn my burden over to the Lord.  Because of how far I had let my doubts and worries take me, all I did was ask a lot of angry questions.  Was 'be patient' really the only guidance I'd get? Was God even real?  Is this life all just a big hoax?  That night after spending a long evening crying. . .I felt scared.  Did I have a testimony of my Heavenly Father? How did I get to such a dark and lonely place?  How do I get back out?  I knew Heavenly Father had answered my prayers before. . .I HAD JILLSIE!  How did I forget so quickly that Heavenly Father had touched and blessed our lives in such an AMAZING way?   How had I been so quick to let Satan in and twist my life upside down?  How?  

Its like I finally realized that I had let Satan mess with me for FAR TOO LONG!  And I was DONE!  Either God was real or He wasn't. . .and I KNEW He was.  I didn't know Him well at that point in my life. . .but, the desire to know Him better, helped me make a decision.   I decided to fight back!  I was not going to be dragged down to a miserable state any longer!  I wanted and needed to FEEL of God's love again.  It was hard.  I had to fight back thoughts that I had focused on for a long time.  I read my scriptures, and a lot of conference talks.  I started exercising more and focusing and being healthy in every aspect of my life.  We wanted to do everything we could to have a baby again.  We looked into fertility treatments, talked about adoption.  That is what we did before getting pregnant with Jillsie and so we decided we should do it again.  Maybe we'd be blessed with another little one. . naturally.  But, if not, we were finally moving forward.  By the fall of 2012 I started to feel a little bit more like the girl I knew I was. We moved forward with more fertility testing and tried to make a decision if we should do invitro or not.  We prayed to know if we could try invitro and if that was right for us.  We never felt a negative feeling about invitro. And so, we continued to move forward and knew that Heavenly Father would tell us 'NO' if we needed to stop.   We started to think that maybe Jillian would be the only child we would have naturally and that all of our others would come through IVF.  I once again thought that maybe this would be the end of my infertility worries.  We at least had a plan to bring another baby home.

We then got pregnant with Anneliese.

During the pregnancy, we still struggled a lot with sadness and letting go of Anneliese and the fact that we still wouldn't have another baby in our home, and the unknown of being able to conceive again. We feel like Anneliese helped us become more anchored in the gospel of Jesus Christ.  We prayed more fervently.  We tried to learn and know of Heavenly Father's will and DO IT.  Our relationship with our Heavenly Father and our Savior deepened and grew.  How could I not turn to the Lord?  I have felt the true JOY of opposition in all things!  I had gone the year before through the heartache and anger of going through a trial WITHOUT turning to the Lord.  Without trying to understand HIS plan and wanting to force MY plan.  Without peace.  I KNEW I couldn't and didn't want to do that again!!  I KNEW the darkness, emptiness and loneliness of doing it MY way.  And I would NOT do it again!  Looking back, we felt more love, more peace, and more goodness throughout this journey but it has also been the hardest time in our lives. 



This week is hard.  This month is going to be hard.  We were scheduled to deliver Anneliese on March 6.  And had Anneliese not been diagnosed with Anencephaly, her due date was March 29.  I should still be pregnant.   The last few days I have struggled.  I've cried a lot.  Felt a bit more on edge, emotional and irritated about our situation.  And asked myself, ' HOW are we going to get through this week, month, year?'.  But in asking that question today, Heavenly Father continues to amaze me!  A text from a close friend who is just thinking about me.  A phone call from another who let me cry and unload to her.  And as I sat, still feeling like everyone else gets to move on with their lives, while we are reliving it all over again this month; there was a knock on my door from a sister in our ward.  A girl I don't know very well yet, but she was thinking about me and left me with a card and loaf of bread.  Heavenly Father is VERY aware of us!  And there are truly angels among us.

I am so grateful for the love that we can feel if we turn to the Lord and let Him into our lives. I feel truly humbled by all the Lord has taught and continues to teach us through our sweet experiences with Anneliese! It is through him that we know "How" to move forward.

Balloon Launch

While pregnant with Anneliese we did a lot of studying and found a quote that reminded us and taught us even more of the incredible gift of our physical bodies:

“The body that has been given to us was for the purpose of allowing the spirit to exalt itself to a nobler condition. The lightning that is seen flashing from cloud to cloud, from mountain top to mountain top, is an electrical force that may tear down buildings, set fire to property, and destroy life. Conduct electricity through the dynamo wire, and motor, and behold its wonderful results working for the service of man, accomplishing something under the control of a physical instrument, it thus becomes a power for good. So with steam, if allowed to evaporate freely it does little good, but restrain it in the boiler, send it through the engine, and under its power you may travel across the continent or sail from shore to shore. And so, too, with this highest, most potent of all spiritual forces, the intelligence that is in man; enshrine it in a spiritual body, that it may have the experiences of spiritual life; and then give it a physical body, that it may enter into and obtain the joy and experiences of physical life, and you have enlarged its powers immeasurably” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1912, 107). 
- Melvin J. Ballard

After reading this, we decided it would brighten up the day of the funeral to do a balloon launch at the cemetery and participate in Anneliese's party(that we were certain she was throwing in heaven for finally receiving her own body:).

Display Table at the Funeral Service

Jillian was the first to send her balloon up

As Jillsie watched the balloons go, she happily said, "Have a fun party!"

 Utah

When our friends who live in Boston heard about the balloon launch, they decided to hold a family home evening that night where they would teach their 4 children about the importance of receiving a body as part of Heavenly Father's plan, and then launch their own balloons to celebrate their own bodies. We shared this idea with our other friends and family. That night we received a bunch of pictures from family and friends who did the same...

 Massachusetts

 Washington

 North Carolina

Washington

Washington

 Minnesota

Our old neighbors had a clever idea to celebrate in another way by making homemade pillows

Georgia

When it was all said and done we felt so happy for our little angel. In 45 short minutes she was able to touch so many lives, and we will forever keep her memory close to our hearts. She has an eternal mission and only needed a short time with us to bless our lives to the fullest. We can't wait to be reunited with her again someday through the grace and blessings of the the Atonement of Christ.  Thank you all for helping us celebrate with her:)

Anneliese's Video

My sister and brother-in-law put together an amazing video of our journey with Anneliese.  It has brought so much comfort and joy.  We have watched and re-watched it so many times!  I am so grateful for them! It was created in a format that blogspot.com doesn't support, so you can try to watch it here.

Our Family

While pregnant with Anneliese we really wanted to take some family pictures.  We had them scheduled for January 25 and Anneliese came on the 23rd.  So we decided to take an Anneliese photo shoot a week or so later.  Here are a few of our favorites.

Grief, guilt and baby hunger.

The roller coaster of feelings that we've experienced after Anneliese returned home to our Heavenly Father have been overwhelming at times.  But the hardest for me has been the guilt I have felt.  Guilt that I can't remember much.  Guilt that I have great and happy days and then guilt that I have bad days.  Guilt that I am not coping right.  Guilt that I am neglecting Jillsie and Jake while I grieve and figure out HOW to grieve.  It's exhausting and at times I feel so emotionally overloaded that I fall apart and wonder how I can keep going....AGAIN!  I KNOW satan is trying to knock us down and out right now. . . because he has been hitting us constantly and in so many different areas of our lives.  Our experiences with Anneliese has helped us be more anchored in the gospel of Jesus Christ and closer to our very loving Heavenly Father than EVER.  But, fighting off the guilt emotions as well as the others has left Jake and I feeling like we are huddled in a corner just waiting for the barrage of attacks to end.

I felt so much peace at the hospital after Anneliese came, that I think I expected to just be at peace throughout the rest of this experience.  I think I thought that I was over the hard part.  She came, we had SO many prayers answered and had so much peace and joy after that I felt I was going to be ok.  That my heart wouldn't ache as much.  But, the day after the funeral. . .reality set in a bit.   It was just the three of us again.  Anneliese was real right?  And as the days progressed reality hit hard. . .guilt, heartache, frustration, denial, a lot more heartache, more guilt and an insane ache of wanting a baby in my arms and trying to figure out how to get pregnant fast.  I started to pray so fervently that the aches would lift so I could function 'normally' again.  But, as the days passed. . .I just felt more empty.  Jake was back at work, Jillsie had preschool and play dates. . . .and me. . . .I had more time to think than I wanted.  Thinking means crying lately and I just wanted the pain to be over!  I still just want the pain to be over.  But, since it won't be, we are learning how to cope again.  We are learning to take it moment by moment again.  Learning our new 'normal' and trying hard to stay close to the Savior as we fight our way out of the corner we are huddled in.  We have felt of our Heavenly Fathers love in SO many ways and through SO many people.  We feel so very grateful for the outpouring of love shown from all of our family, friends and even complete strangers!  We are truly so very blessed!  And I am grateful to say that I would still do this ALL over again for our sweet Anneliese to progress the way she needed in our Heavenly Fathers plan!  We are so very grateful for the knowledge we have of the Plan of Happiness and that we can be together forever as a family!

Outlet...

I have had a hard time writing lately.  Not that I don't want to, but I feel self conscious and nervous since publicly sharing our blog.  Will I say things right?  Will our loved ones worry more?  Is that word spelled correctly? Is that grammatically correct?  It's like all of these ridiculous worries deterred  me from writing.  I started  thinking, 'it's ok, no one needs to hear from us anyway.'  But, I have now felt on a daily basis that I NEED to write again.  Not necessarily for anyone else...but for ME.  I need my outlet, I need to share, and learn, and feel all that I need to at this time in my life...so I can remember.  I feel like I have been in a foggy existence since Anneliese's birth.  I hope that using my 'outlet' helps me remember and feel more clearly again.

Ups and downs

Two weeks, four days.  Time has blurred by. . .it feels like the last year is a blur.  Was I really just pregnant? The crazy range of emotions of getting pregnant, finding out she won't be here with us long and then saying goodbye has all come and gone much too fast. It's been so much harder than I had anticipated.

When we were trying to get pregnant, I'd see pregnant women and wish I could just BE pregnant.  Then we finally got pregnant with Anneliese, and I'd see other pregnant women, I'd envy them having a happy and excited pregnancy.  And now, when I see pregnant women, I wish that I could just be pregnant with Anneliese still, feeling her kick and move and knowing she is just with me. . .and at the same time wishing I could just be pregnant with our next little one now.

It's made me realize how dissatisfied I've been and how I need to show more gratitude for where I am now and what God has blessed me with RIGHT NOW.  I am so very blessed!  We are surrounded by supportive and loving family, friends, and neighbors. We have had countless cards, emails, texts, flowers, gifts, meals, visits and love poured out in our home then we could have ever have imagined.  We have had an extreme amount of peace in our hearts about when Anneliese came and how quickly she left.  And with that peace we've felt, and the amount of joy and happiness we feel for Anneliese, it's made it easier for us during the hard and sad moments.  There are hard and sad moments.  Moments where I once again ask, 'Why?' all over again and wish it would all go away.  Wish the pain in my chest would subside, wish the tears that come so easily would dry up and wish that I could just feel like ME again.  And so during this crazy roller coaster of emotions, I feel very blessed and grateful for what I have now.  Grateful for happy moments, for shows that make me laugh, for friends who help distract me.  Grateful for Pinterest! For crafts and projects and paint samples to focus on something completely different for awhile and dream of changing our whole house!! :)

I'm realizing more and more the joy and hope of 'opposition in all things'.  It truly is such a blessing! I first felt it so strongly after we had Anneliese.  The heartache of going through this pregnancy and wishing so desperately to have it all be a different outcome and then having Anneliese and the insane amount of love and peace and joy we felt for our little girl...I KNEW I'd go through all of the heartache and pain again!  It's made me hopeful and excited for the future...the heartache and pain I'm feeling now....there is a matching amount of joy and happiness for me. . .sometime in the future. I don't know when, but my Heavenly Father does, but through this experience I have learned that He does and will continue to take care of us!! Things will all work out. . .and they will be AMAZING!

Celebrating Her Miraculous Journey

This is Jake. I guess it's my turn to share some thoughts. On Monday January 27, 2014 we celebrated Anneliese.  We were blessed with such love and support! The only way we have been able to describe what we felt during the funeral preparations and her actual celebration, was "Overwhelmingly grateful." Grateful to meet her. Grateful to feel so close to heaven. Grateful to see such miracles. Grateful for such amazing family and friends. And the list goes on. We received countless emails, text messages, phone calls, visits by amazing people offering to babysit Jillian so Heidi and I could be together, friends and neighbors dropping off meals, treats, gifts and hugs, and family spending time cleaning our house and cooking us meals. We had family fly in and many others who wanted to be with us on Anneliese's special day and still helped celebrate with us in their own special ways.

We felt so blessed that the labor and delivery went smoothly, allowing us to spend time as a family without nurses or doctors interrupting us. Heidi was admitted to the hospital about 5:30am and discharged at 7pm that same day. We spent the immediate days following Anneliese's arrival and departure at home as a family. On our way home from the hospital I wanted to pick up some lumber to make Anneliese a display shadow box for the celebration.  I grew up in a home with a display case on our dining room wall filled with a picture, booties and a few other remembrances of my baby sister Adrienne who passed away from SIDS at 6 weeks old.  I was only 9 years old at the time, and although most of my memories of her have faded over the last 20+ years, I often found myself staring at it during times of big decisions, trials and confusion in my life. It always seemed to bring me great peace, strength, direction and comfort in hard times.

So, while my sister in law was upstairs chatting with Heidi on the Saturday afternoon before the celebration, I was in the basement turning 3 pieces of wood into my best concoction of what Heidi had expressed to me she eventually wanted Anneliese's shadow box to look like. I thought I had done a pretty good job, but when I brought it up the stairs to confirm if it was the the right size for what she wanted to put in it, her eyes immediately filled with tears and holding her hand over her heart, she whispered to me, "It's perfect." My sister-in-law stole herself away to the front room for a minute while Heidi and I held each other and cried tears of both sadness and joy. Sadness that the shadow box would be the one to tangibly hold our angel baby and not us, and joy because it would also be holding those items that touched our sweet Anneliese, and would serve as a constant reminder of her life of perfection and be a mechanism of healing our hearts until we can hold her again.

Heidi did an amazing job filling it with her feet and hand molds the hospital made for us, her baby bracelet, dress, and cap she wore at the hospital for pictures, and a framed picture of Heidi and I holding her. This will soon hang in our Master Bedroom...just as soon as I find the right hardware to hang it properly.

Now that we've had 2 weeks to absorb what's happened, we are realizing just how emotionally up and down our lives are at the moment.  It appears that one moment everything is fine. We are going through the motions of our routine and things are moving along. I'm back to work. Jillian is back to school twice a week and Heidi is keeping the house together as she always has.  But I'd be lying if I said we are really back to normal. I feel about as unstable as ever. It appears that only a few seconds after, "Everything is fine," we're holding each other in tears, with aching arms to snuggle Anneliese again and see her older sister do the same.

My heart aches for Jillian to have a sibling to play with. Yesterday we celebrated Jillian's 4th birthday, and at the last minute booked a condo to give her our undivided attention for a long weekend, so she would know how loved she still is by her, "Unstable" parents. I've come to grips with the fact that I'm not the perfect father, but I'm trying. All I can do is try harder today than I did yesterday. My girls need me right now more than ever before, and although there often doesn't seem to be much, "Fuel left in the tank," it's the life I can say that I am glad I chose, and it's my responsibility to EXPRESS my love and support constantly. There is no "Day off" as a husband and father, and I consider myself so blessed to have been raised by such an amazing father who could teach me that first-hand as I am 1 of his 13 children.  On my baby sister's headstone my parents were wise enough to engrave, "Our lighthouse in the storm." They were so inspired in choosing that. I don't recall a single trial in my life where I didn't reflect on that phrase.

We all have trials we don't want to bear. My favorite scripture is found in The Book of Mormon: "And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the ^arock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your ^bfoundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty ^cstorm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."(Helaman 5:12)

My family and I have now been blessed with our own lighthouse to stand alongside Adrienne to brighten our storms with hope and direction in the darkness of adversity and trial. Anneliese has been made perfect in Christ and his atonement. We know her spirit lives on in the spirit world, and she eagerly awaits the day of resurrection just as Christ did. "For Christ...might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh, but quickened by the Spirit: By which also he went and preached unto the spirits in prison; Which sometime were disobedient, when once the longsuffering of God waited in the days of Noah, while the ark was a preparing, wherein few, that is, eight souls were saved by water. The like figure whereunto even baptism doth also now save us (not the putting away of the filth of the flesh, but the answer of a good conscience toward God,) by the resurrection of Jesus Christ:

Who is gone into heaven, and is on the right hand of God; angels and authorities and powers being made subject unto him." (1 Peter 3:18-22). Children are perfected in Christ, and in his perfection, root for us to be steadfast and unmoved in the storms of life, that we might be reunited with them again someday.  This knowledge doesn't remove all of the pain and sorrow that has come to us in burying our child that we want so badly to raise in this life, but this knowledge does make it bearable. There is a God in heaven, and he loves every one of his children perfectly. "For ^aGod so ^bloved the ^cworld, that he ^dgave his ^eonly begotten ^fSon, that whosoever ^gbelieveth in him should not perish, but have ^heverlasting ⁱlife." (John 3:16) Christ Lives. He has paved the path for families to be together forever, and although I fall short every day, I find peace in his grace and glory for having closed the gap of my failures through his infinite atonement. We just need to take life one day at a time...and on the difficult days, one moment at a time.  "Remember that without ^afaith you can do nothing..." Doctrine and Covenants 8:10

Anneliese...she is real.

As the days have gone on, I feel like I have had to remind myself over and over that I did have another little girl.  The ache in my arms and heart seem to be so overwhelming at times that I feel as if I'm losing my mind. And then I say quietly to myself, 'I had a little girl, her name is Anneliese, she needed a body, and is now with Our Heavenly Father.'  The joy and peace spreads inside me-sometimes in a wave that is all encompassing and other times it spreads slowly and I know that I can make it through that moment because of the love from our Heavenly Father! She came and went so quickly.  Jake and I felt like we had just gotten used to the fact that we wouldn't have her with us for long that it's been hard to realize it's all over...that she was real, that I actually held her, that she is ours forever. It wasn't a dream.  She is real!  Happy 1st week in Heaven Anneliese!

Anneliese's Arrival

As I sit and prepare to write this I am filled with so much love and joy! I'm so very grateful for my little Anneliese and for the joy I feel as I think about her! I feel so very grateful for Jake and all he truly went through that night for us! I'm so very blessed to have such an amazing husband! I'm also so very grateful for Jillian and our parents and the love that encompassed us all that day!!  Heaven has never felt closer!

I had gone to bed on January 22, my stomach felt tight and uncomfortable, but this was not an uncommon thing so I definitely didn't plan on her arriving the next morning!  At about 3:40a.m. on January 23, I woke up feeling very uncomfortable and wondered if I had slept wrong.  I got up to check on Jillsie, and as I got back into bed I realized that the discomfort I woke up with was increasing in intensity.  I tried to fall back asleep for about 5 minutes but ended up waking Jake feeling very nervous that the pain wasn't going away.  I had convinced myself that it wasn't contractions while my very wise husband started monitoring the "pain" I was feeling. We spent the next 20-30 minutes trying multiple different things to hopefully stop the pain, while Jake continued to monitor my contractions which were coming every 3-5 minutes and lasting anywhere from 30-60 seconds. Jake gave me a quick blessing, in between contractions, and I felt that everything would be OK.  It was around 4:40am. that we noticed I was spotting and decided it was time to call the doctor.  The doctor on call said he wanted me to come in.  Honestly, I was still thinking that we would go in and they would say it was a false alarm and we'd come back home.  Yup, complete denial on my part.

Jake quickly got together things for us all and got Jill's in her coat and shoes while I sat in a panicked  and dazed pain, and accomplished walking to the car! :).  We had to deliver at a hospital about 50 minute away because it was a high risk pregnancy.  So, as we pulled out of our neighborhood behind a state trooper and pulled up alongside him at the stoplight, Jake rolled down the window to get his attention and said, "My wife is in labor and we have to deliver an hour away at the hospital, do you provide escorts?" The trooper said, "We don't provide escorts…just drive safe." Jake drove faster than he should have to get us to the hospital in record time! 28 minutes!! (Of which I am very grateful for at the time:) I'm sure that Anneliese rounded up ridiculous amounts of angels to get us to the hospital safely! :)

We pulled up to the Emergency Room valet, which was closed, unloaded, left the car running and had the quick check-in at 5:36a.m.  We were quickly wheeled up to our room in labor and delivery.  My Doctor happened to be there for another delivery and so she helped us through most of this process which was such a blessing.  I feel like the next 40 minutes were a bit of a blur.  I know that I was feeling intense contractions and KNEW I was in labor.  I also knew that I was trying to hold it together, at one point, because Jillsie was sitting on the couch right next to me.  I was also aware, soon after that moment, Jake took Jill's out to 'play' with some other nurses until my mom arrived. As Jake left, I remember thinking I just wanted it to all be over and cried to one of the nurses that I couldn't do 'this' anymore.  A feeling that I have felt guilty about countless times since, because I feel like Anneliese arrived and passed away before I had processed that she was actually coming.

After this moment, it felt like everything sped up. Asking for an epidural again, getting my IV in and meds to help with pain, breathing through contractions, wishing it was over, and finally my water actually broke.  At that moment it was like instant relief.   Pain subsided and the anesthesiologist was brought in to finally do the epidural.  My doctor left while I was getting ready for my epidural, we all thought things would slow down now.  Anneliese, on the other hand, had her own plan.  As I was getting prepped for the epidural my contractions came back immediately and were in full force.  My back had been numbed and the epidural was about to be threaded and I knew we didn't have time.  I told the anesthesiologist that we were done and I needed to push.  It was the most intense pain I had ever experienced.  I was terrified, tired emotionally and physically, and knew that we might have a lifeless little girl in our arms to say goodbye to soon.  Every fear, crazy emotion and dread for that moment seemed to overwhelm me and I wondered if I could be strong enough to keep this up.  And then, as if in an instant, she was here.  The second she took a breath and was in my arms, all fear was replaced with the most intense peace and love.  She was perfect! Just 62 minutes after being admitted to labor and delivery, we were holding her in our arms. At only 2lbs 2oz and 13 inches long, she was perfect. She was just like her big sister in the fact that she couldn't keep her tongue in her mouth, for being 9 weeks premature, she still had chubby little cheeks on her which we were so grateful for.

While the nurses finished up with me, Jake held Anneliese and sent one of the nurses out to get Jillian and my mom who were still in the waiting area. Just a few minutes later, Anneliese got to meet her big sister and grandma. We were perfectly calm, as Anneliese, 9 weeks premature, fought for every breath to spend 45 incredible minutes with us. It was so peaceful and calm. I don't know how else to describe it…it was everything the labor and delivery HADN'T been:) Suddenly, the pain was gone, and all that mattered in that moment was us being together as a family. I just wanted Jillian, Jake and Anneliese close to me, all together, celebrating this miracle together.

My dad arrived in time to see and hold Anneliese just as she took her final breath, just 45 minutes after taking her first.



Jake's parents arrived about 10 minutes later and were able to hold her little body, and still feel of the sweet peace she left with us.



This entire experience has strengthened our testimonies of Heavenly Father's love for us and his great plan of happiness of which we are all a part. We are so grateful, and humbled, by all of our family and friends who prayed diligently with us that we might be able to meet our Anneliese. Heavenly Father and Anneliese answered those prayers, and we felt Anneliese wanted us to feel of her love and gratitude. This little angel managed to not only survive a natural, breech delivery, but was strong enough to be with us as a family for 45 wonderful minutes!

Anneliese Audrey

Anneliese Audrey was eager to be a part of our family. She arrived 9 weeks premature at 6:38am yesterday morning, January 23rd, 2014. At 2 lbs 2 ounces and 13 inches long, she spoiled us by allowing us to snuggle her for 45 minutes before returning to her eternal home on the other side of the veil. We feel so grateful and blessed to have met her and felt of her sweet spirit. Our hearts are filled with gratitude toward our Savior for overcoming death that we might be reunited with her again someday. She was absolutely perfect in every way, and we are comforted by our faith and knowledge that children are perfected in Christ. 

We will post her full birth story and arrival when we have had some time to digest all that we've experienced! We feel incredibly blessed and humbled having met her and welcomed her into our eternal family.  

New Doctor!

On Wednesday, Jake and I had our first appointment with our new doctor, Dr. Clark.  We met Dr. Clark after our big genetic counseling appointment when we found out about Annelise's diagnosis. She was amazing!  She was great at the counseling appointment and she exceeded all of our hopes on Wednesday!  It was like she truly wanted to know us! Not just how I was at that moment, or even just this pregnancy.  She asked lots of questions and talked about Anneliese like any other sweet little baby.  Anneliese wasn't deformed or lacking in any way, or an "it"...she was our little girl and she wanted to make sure we enjoyed every moment with her! Jake and I left feeling excited! For the first time in months, Jake and I just felt happy to be pregnant again.  I'm so grateful for her and her staff! And for the feelings of peace and joy that filled our hearts again!  We have needed it so much lately and I feel so blessed to have pure joy again!!

Hoping for Hope

As this year has started I have had to force myself to make positive and hopeful goals.  Usually at the beginning of every year I would think, 'Maybe this is the year we'll have a baby.'  But, this year, since I know we are having and losing our little girl. . .its definitely made it harder to hope for much after we have Anneliese.

I found it hard to get excited for 2014....because quite frankly 2013 was a REALLY hard year, and if I'm losing a child to kick off this year, how in the world is 2014 going to be any better?!  I noticed that all of my hopes were on things I had absolutely no control over.  I can't change Anneliese's diagnosis, I can't change how soon I can get pregnant again after having her, and I can't change the fact that 2014 will end and Jillsie still won't have a sibling here with her.

So, this year we are hoping for hope!  We are focusing on the things we CAN control.  Doing fun projects, growing closer to each other and our Heavenly Father, making fun vacation plans for the future, and trusting that we CAN get through this trial stronger than we were before.  We can't change the past, and we can't control much of the future. . . But we can control how we act and grow through this experience.  So we are hoping for hope this year!