Sunday, November 9, 2014

Telling our Family! #11

November 9, 2014

  Well, we have been planning to tell our family that we are expecting #3 over Thanksgiving weekend.  We had planned to just show up. . .looking nice and pregnant! But,  its been a bit tricky. . .and we are getting excited! :)  Its so great to say that,  WE ARE EXCITED!

So, today we took some fun pictures to send in an email to our family!  We sent a couple to them and here are a couple of others!


We feel so blessed to be at this point and pray that this little one inside me will continue to grow healthy and strong.  Jillsie has prayed multiple times that this baby will come home and that she can be a good big sister.  She is so sweet and we feel so blessed to have the opportunity to be her parents!  We also pray that we can bring HOME a happy, healthy baby sibling for Jillsie!  





Heartbeat!! 15 weeks #10

November 3, 2014

We found a strong heartbeat!

Because this was a last minute appointment, I was scheduled at the Hospital office.  I felt nervous and anxious as we arrived but did not anticipate the feelings I would have as we got closer to the office.  We exited the elevator and Jake and I both realized where we were in the hospital.  We were right at the labor and delivery suites where we delivered Anneliese. The last time we were there we said goodbye to our sweet little girl, Anneliese. The tears came quickly and shocked me.  Our hands definitely were grasped much tighter as we entered the office.

We were called back to the exam room quickly.  I was tense and felt like I was holding my breath.  She started on the right side of my stomach, and it felt like forever until she got to the left side and finally picked up our little ones heartbeat!  The moment the nurse found the heartbeat, I started to cry, the tension left.  I could have listened to that heartbeat all day!  I'm so grateful for this pregnancy, all I am learning, and the chance to once again put my trust in the Savior.

14 weeks and spotting #9

October 29, 2014

   Today I am 14 weeks.  Yesterday I started spotting.  It's been a very rough two days.

When pregnant with Anneliese it took me awhile to finally relax and let myself be excited....just to have the news broken to us on November 1 that we would be saying goodbye.  Now, just like with Anneliese, it took us awhile to relax and finally let ourselves be excited.  And now, the weekend we have been wanting to get past is here...and we are once again wondering if we are saying goodbye.

I know that Heavenly Father is aware of me, my hopes, my dreams, my wants. . . .but more importantly He is aware of my NEEDS.  He knows what I need, what Jillian needs, what Jake needs. He knows what we need to experience and what we need to learn to grow and reach our fullest potential.  But, if there is one thing I've learned through our experience with Anneliese is that if we turn our struggles over to The Lord, He can make more of us than we ever thought possible.  Our struggles will still cause heartache.  I learned it's not if we let go of our heartache but how I choose to handle the heartache that enables Heavenly Father to work the miracles in our lives.

And so, even though I don't want this pregnancy to end, and am crying as I write it. . .I know that God KNOWS me and knows what is best for our family.

11 week appointment #8

October 8, 2014

Well, we had our first appointment with our OBGYN.  I can't even begin to describe how nervous and stressed I felt.  Was everything going to be ok? Or would we again be in that small percentage that had another little one to say goodbye to?

As the ultrasound started I felt like I was just holding my breath and preparing for any outcome.  And then we saw it....





A GLORIOUS ROUND HEAD!!!!

 Jake and I both started crying.  It was instant relief for that moment! I wanted to just stay in that moment all day.  I could've sat and watched the ultrasound for hours!  We are both so grateful!  And we're very grateful for that moment of relief.

Our Dr came in after the ultrasound and said that we couldn't of had a more perfect ultrasound.  That everything looked perfect.  She gave us the extra 'go ahead' to tell our families and friends.  She said that it was less than a 5% chance of anything going wrong at this point.  Jake and I looked at each other like 5%?! That's high! It was less than a 1% chance of having a child with Anencephaly...and that happened.  So, we've decided to only tell our parents for now.  But, we are both so anxious for the day we tell Jillsie!







Ultrasound déjà vu... #7

September 9, 2014

This morning was our viability ultrasound.  After everything with our last pregnancy and then a beta scare with this one...I have been extra crazy! Lack of sleep, anxiety, sadness, worry. . . The emotions at our house have been out of control.  And, honestly, we've been dreading the ultrasounds.  Our whole world changed after 1 ultrasound that now. . . They just seem like they are bad news.

As we headed out of our neighborhood to our appointment I felt nervous, anxious and really didn't want to go at all.  My heart started to finally relax a little and out jumps a deer! RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR CAR!  So...we hit the deer.  Our front bumper is hanging off and cracked on one side but Bambi is fine. . . .bruised and is missing some hair, but he's alive.

So, needless to say, after that I felt like it was a sign that we should just forget the ultrasound.  We should just stay in our obliviously hopeful life and not get crushed at the Drs office.  But, we didn't do that. . . We went to our appointment.

This viability ultrasound reminded me a lot of our viability ultrasound with Anneliese.  Jake and I were very much convinced and hopeful of a multiple pregnancy, just like we were of this pregnancy.  At our ultrasound the Dr showed us one baby, just like he did again today.  And just like last time, as we are trying to wrap our heads and hearts around one sweet baby. . . The bomb drops.  Last pregnancy, the sac wasn't looking right and we needed to come back a week later.  This time, our little one is measuring behind. . .and we get to come back in a week.

I know that God is able to do ALL things.  I know that His will for our family will ALWAYS be for our best in the long run.  But, I guess I'm just worried about the short distance.  The short distance, in my experience, is hard and painful.  I've learned so much by saying goodbye to our little girl...I would really just like to not learn so much this go around I think.  Or at least learn in a very less painful way.

So, here's to one more week.  One more week of waiting.  One more week of hope.

Praying for a miracle #6

August 23, 2014

Today was a big day for our family.  It's Anneliese's 7 month mark and also the day we had our first blood test to see if we are pregnant.  Our hcg levels came back low.  I test again Monday morning.  The nurses said they want to see it go up by 80%.  This has all been so stressful.  It's been crazy hoping it will work and the roller coaster of just getting pregnant.  Now, we aren't sure if it really did work and still have the stresses of what if we are pregnant but don't get to bring a baby home.  The stress is eating us up.  Trusting that The Lord will truly give us what we need is hard to accept...what if His will right now is having more heartache on our end.  I'm emotionally exhausted.  I know that I learned so much about Heavenly Fathers love and His goodness during this last year, but still worry that I might have something else to learn in a very hard way.  I feel like I keep re-learning how to trust and have hope in The Lords will for my life.  I hope one day I get this down.

On to the 2 week wait. #5

14 August 2014

Well, it's done.  We transfered two little embryos on Monday and now we get to wait for two weeks to see if it worked.  I have been trying to go back and remember what I felt last time and I realized that even if I could remember every little thing it still wouldn't be relevant for this fertility cycle.  Waiting again....you'd think I would learn to just be patient and trust that whatever happens will be for my good...but no, I'm terrified that once again after all of the hoping and trying we will be without  a little one to bring home again.


Transfer Day #4

11 August 2014

Well today is the day! We go in today at 11am and hopefully we will have 2 strong embryos to transfer.  It's been exciting and terrifying at the same time!  I have lots of 'what-ifs' going through my head.  Now that this day is actually here, I hope that I can put my trust in Heavenly Father's will for this fertility cycle.  Just saying that brings tears of fear to my eyes.  I KNOW that I can get through ANYTHING with Heavenly Fathers help.  I learned so much through our experience with Anneliese and grew spiritually in ways that I can't even begin to express and so I know that whatever happens WILL be BEST for me and our family.

6 more days! #3

5 August 2014

Two months in to our FET treatment.  It's crazy to realize that we are truly 6 DAYS away from having the possibility of once again bringing a sweet baby into our family and hopefully bringing them HOME.

We had some great experiences while pregnant with Anneliese, and have had more since saying goodbye.  After one experience Jake and I were both reminded that we would go through ALL of the heartache, sadness, financial worries, and more heartache to give our sweet little girl Anneliese her moment here on earth! We would sacrifice it all again for her!  And that moment has given us the strength to move forward this time around. . . come what may!

Here we go again... #2

15 July 2014

Well. . . We are now on day 3 of  taking the shots to get my body ready to try bringing another baby into our family.  It has felt extra crazy this time around.  We have gone through every possible scenario.  From having IVF work and we get a healthy singleton, healthy multiples, a livable diagnosis to a fatal diagnosis, an early miscarriage, not having the embryos implant and not even having the embryos survive the thaw.  Knowing so many more of the possible things that could go wrong has made our stress and worries skyrocket! We have wondered constantly if we tell our families that we are doing this again or not.  But we worry about our 'what-ifs' and if it would just be better to handle our crazy emotions together as a couple and with Heavenly Father.  I think more than anything, we remember the immense joy we had in finding out we were pregnant with Jillsie.  The joy we experienced as the two of us were filled with so much love and excitement for our new journey together was so memorable that we want that again.  The joy of surprising our family with GREAT news.  So, for now, we will continue through this together and wait to bring others in to this journey.

Moving forward #1

19 June 2014

Next Monday will be 5 months since we had Anneliese.  It has felt so much longer.  We have tried to follow the spirit on how to move forward and when to move forward on growing our family again.  Waiting upon The Lord and His timetable, for children again, has stretched us farther then we could have ever imagined.  But, in May we finally felt good about moving forward with another round of infertility treatments.

We have felt so nervous.

What if it doesn't work this time?

What if it works and we have to say goodbye to another child again?

Fears, that I never thought much about going in the first time for invitro, now seem to be screaming at me.  Because of these fears we waited another month to call our Doctors to move forward.  I wondered if maybe we'd just get pregnant on our own that month. Nope.  When we called back the nurses told me that the lab would be closed for cleaning at the time I would need to be doing the embryo transfer so. . . I was pushed out another month.  But, they wanted me to start the birth control pills now to prepare.  I felt deflated in every way.  Not only are we having to wait another month...we don't even have the hope that we can get pregnant on our own to carry us through this month.

 So, right now, I'm stressed.  IVF isn't something we're doing just to get pregnant. . . It's to bring home a healthy baby! And I can't tell if I'm stressed because I now know the real fears that come with being pregnant and I'm just nervous OR if it means we need to wait a little longer.  So, for now we are continuing to exercise our faith and move forward with our FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) and trying not to let our fears stop us.