Saturday, February 22, 2014

Grief, guilt and baby hunger.

The roller coaster of feelings that we've experienced after Anneliese returned home to our Heavenly Father have been overwhelming at times.  But the hardest for me has been the guilt I have felt.  Guilt that I can't remember much.  Guilt that I have great and happy days and then guilt that I have bad days.  Guilt that I am not coping right.  Guilt that I am neglecting Jillsie and Jake while I grieve and figure out HOW to grieve.  It's exhausting and at times I feel so emotionally overloaded that I fall apart and wonder how I can keep going....AGAIN!  I KNOW satan is trying to knock us down and out right now. . . because he has been hitting us constantly and in so many different areas of our lives.  Our experiences with Anneliese has helped us be more anchored in the gospel of Jesus Christ and closer to our very loving Heavenly Father than EVER.  But, fighting off the guilt emotions as well as the others has left Jake and I feeling like we are huddled in a corner just waiting for the barrage of attacks to end.

I felt so much peace at the hospital after Anneliese came, that I think I expected to just be at peace throughout the rest of this experience.  I think I thought that I was over the hard part.  She came, we had SO many prayers answered and had so much peace and joy after that I felt I was going to be ok.  That my heart wouldn't ache as much.  But, the day after the funeral. . .reality set in a bit.   It was just the three of us again.  Anneliese was real right?  And as the days progressed reality hit hard. . .guilt, heartache, frustration, denial, a lot more heartache, more guilt and an insane ache of wanting a baby in my arms and trying to figure out how to get pregnant fast.  I started to pray so fervently that the aches would lift so I could function 'normally' again.  But, as the days passed. . .I just felt more empty.  Jake was back at work, Jillsie had preschool and play dates. . . .and me. . . .I had more time to think than I wanted.  Thinking means crying lately and I just wanted the pain to be over!  I still just want the pain to be over.  But, since it won't be, we are learning how to cope again.  We are learning to take it moment by moment again.  Learning our new 'normal' and trying hard to stay close to the Savior as we fight our way out of the corner we are huddled in.  We have felt of our Heavenly Fathers love in SO many ways and through SO many people.  We feel so very grateful for the outpouring of love shown from all of our family, friends and even complete strangers!  We are truly so very blessed!  And I am grateful to say that I would still do this ALL over again for our sweet Anneliese to progress the way she needed in our Heavenly Fathers plan!  We are so very grateful for the knowledge we have of the Plan of Happiness and that we can be together forever as a family!

1 comment:

  1. Heidi, I am glad you can write and share your feelings, that helps a lot. It has been almost eleven months since our little boy was born with anencephaly and I still have many days that I struggle to get through. It is just a really hard thing. I hope you can be kind to yourself and know that it is okay to be sad and to be happy, too.

    One thing that has been really hard for me is how much my arms ache to hold my little baby. It is hard to explain to anyone who has not had a similar experience but for me at least it is a real physical ache that brings tears and can keep me awake at night. I was blessed to learn about a group called A Heart to Hold. They gave me a heart that weighs just what Gabe did - 3 pounds 8 ounces - and was made by another mother in memory of her baby girl who passed away. I can't express how much comfort holding that little heart has given me. If you contact them within 30 days after your baby's death you can request a heart immediately. It has been a good thing for my other children also. Somehow it makes him seen more real. I have found all of them snuggling this little heart at different times. Their website is

    Thank you for sharing your beautiful little girl and your thoughts and feelings. Many lives are being blessed through your experience. You and your little family are in my thoughts and prayers