Two weeks, four days. Time has blurred by. . .it feels like the last year is a blur. Was I really just pregnant? The crazy range of emotions of getting pregnant, finding out she won't be here with us long and then saying goodbye has all come and gone much too fast. It's been so much harder than I had anticipated.
When we were trying to get pregnant, I'd see pregnant women and wish I could just BE pregnant. Then we finally got pregnant with Anneliese, and I'd see other pregnant women, I'd envy them having a happy and excited pregnancy. And now, when I see pregnant women, I wish that I could just be pregnant with Anneliese still, feeling her kick and move and knowing she is just with me. . .and at the same time wishing I could just be pregnant with our next little one now.
It's made me realize how dissatisfied I've been and how I need to show more gratitude for where I am now and what God has blessed me with RIGHT NOW. I am so very blessed! We are surrounded by supportive and loving family, friends, and neighbors. We have had countless cards, emails, texts, flowers, gifts, meals, visits and love poured out in our home then we could have ever have imagined. We have had an extreme amount of peace in our hearts about when Anneliese came and how quickly she left. And with that peace we've felt, and the amount of joy and happiness we feel for Anneliese, it's made it easier for us during the hard and sad moments. There are hard and sad moments. Moments where I once again ask, 'Why?' all over again and wish it would all go away. Wish the pain in my chest would subside, wish the tears that come so easily would dry up and wish that I could just feel like ME again. And so during this crazy roller coaster of emotions, I feel very blessed and grateful for what I have now. Grateful for happy moments, for shows that make me laugh, for friends who help distract me. Grateful for Pinterest! For crafts and projects and paint samples to focus on something completely different for awhile and dream of changing our whole house!! :)
I'm realizing more and more the joy and hope of 'opposition in all things'. It truly is such a blessing! I first felt it so strongly after we had Anneliese. The heartache of going through this pregnancy and wishing so desperately to have it all be a different outcome and then having Anneliese and the insane amount of love and peace and joy we felt for our little girl...I KNEW I'd go through all of the heartache and pain again! It's made me hopeful and excited for the future...the heartache and pain I'm feeling now....there is a matching amount of joy and happiness for me. . .sometime in the future. I don't know when, but my Heavenly Father does, but through this experience I have learned that He does and will continue to take care of us!! Things will all work out. . .and they will be AMAZING!