This week has been a long week. I've had a lot of moments of wishing that life could've gone the way I planned. Anneliese would've come in March. She would've had big chubby cheeks and a great big round head. Today we would've blessed her at church. She would have an adorable dress and a cute bow. We would've been celebrating with family after church. In my head it is perfect. Just like the day we blessed Jillian.
Well, life definitely doesn't go as planned. So instead...I cried as our church meetings started, trying not to make eye contact with anyone. I cried as I watched Jillsie making another baby smile as the church meeting continued. I cried as we sang a song from Anneliese's funeral. I cried as I came home feeling more sad than I have in awhile and wishing so desperately for what could have been.
This has been the hardest experience I've ever gone through. It's hard meeting new people and having them ask how many kids we have. How do I answer? We've answered two. A very casual conversation. . . ended with both me and the girl I was talking to in awkward tears. We've also answered one. It usually ends with me ending the conversation quickly because of the heartache that follows AND I don't want to have the conversation end in awkward tears as before. It's hard because I feel like all of my relationships are surface ones. I can't get too deep or chat about things of utmost importance because I usually fall apart and feel like I need a week to try again. It's hard feeling like I'm alone in the whole infertilty AND baby loss world. I have great friends who know the heartaches of waiting and wanting babies and I also have great friends who know the heartache of losing a baby. . .but I don't have friends who know both. It's so emotionally draining that I ache even more for what could have been.
But, as I wish for what could have been I am reminded of what I have now. I have an amazing husband who loves me and our girls so very much. I have a sweet 4 year old who seems to sense my sadness quicker than all others and is quick to try to be silly and make me laugh. I also have an amazing testimony of the Plan of Salvation and know that Anneliese is PERFECT where she is and is striving so hard to do all SHE needs to do. I know that through this trial of saying goodbye; I have a stronger testimony of my Heavenly Father and Saviors love for me. And that they do have a GREAT plan for me. I'm still not so convinced of the timing of this plan :) but I KNOW they ARE aware of me, my heartaches and my desires to have more kids.
So, I wish so desperately for what could have been. But also hope and ache for the joy and happiness that could be.