2 months. Its been a rough 2 months. I've been realizing, once again, the pain of waiting. Waiting. Some days it feels like that is all we do. . . wait. I am starting to realize just how much I hate waiting. Waiting to bring babies into our family has been a HUGE part of our marriage. And with the ache of losing Anneliese and now knowing the waiting part is around again. . . its exhausting. I don't sleep much and seem to cry a lot more. The last 2 weeks I've felt frustrations about waiting again boil up inside of me to the point where I feel as if I might burst if I am asked to wait a moment longer.
My frustrations have stemmed a vicious mind battle that has been going on now for a month. How long will I have to wait this time? Did we not handle our experience with enough faith? Will I be strong enough to wait? What if I can't wait? After the trial comes the blessing right? Please end this trial! This battle has been raging. . . I have let it rage. . . for awhile now. And I am just ready to rest.
A few weeks ago we went to our infertilty clinic for a consultation. We had 4 embryos to freeze after our first round of invitro and were grateful we had the option of going through another round of treatments. Our Doctor expressed his sympathy and asked us what we wanted to do next. We wanted to get pregnant, and have a healthy baby come home with us. We chatted about a plan and all of our possible options, and if our OBGYN gave the infertility doctors the green light then we could move forward with a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) soon. We went in expecting to feel excitement and hope, but we didn't. It didn't feel right to move forward with any treatments right now. The questions began again for me and the mind battle started. WHY?
Why do we have to wait AGAIN?
I have been praying a lot. Praying for understanding. Praying for more children. Praying for peace, for strength, for the ability to endure well the challenges ahead. I also re-read all of my posts and wondered if I was still the same girl who just wrote all of the past posts about faith, hope and trusting in the Lords timetable. After all of the many blessings, sacred experiences, and moments of intensley personal peace and love from My Heavenly Father then; why can't I trust that He is doing what is BEST for me now? Did I not just learn the importance of turning our burdens over to Our Savior? Why am I struggling SO much now? Especially when I know that Heavenly Father is very much aware of ME and of MY situation. I know good things are ahead for our family. And I pray that I can accept the will of my loving Heavenly Father. . . especially if the answer is. . . wait.