This morning I heard from the cemetery where we are hoping to have our sweet little one stay. I started sobbing the second I hung up and once again realized how preparing for Anneliese to arrive has been so different from our first little girl, Jillsie. I should be buying bows, and cute outfits. Picking out colors for a nursery, and washing all of Jillsie's baby clothes and folding them nicely in drawers. But, instead, we are looking at burial plots, burial dresses, warm blankets to say goodbye in and hats to cover her sweet head. These moments seem to be coming closer together as I try so hard to prepare for when she'll come. We are so very hopeful that we will be able to meet her but know that we need to prepare for every outcome. I think that not knowing HOW or WHAT to prepare for has been the hardest thing for me. How do I prepare emotionally and mentally for Anneliese to be stillborn and for the possibility of her staying for weeks?
I've discovered over and over again that truly trusting in the Lord, His will, His timing. . . it is SO hard for me. I want all the answers now. Why us? How come now? And THIS way? When will she come? Will we meet her? My questions can go on and on. But, yesterday I had found a few minutes to myself and was reading my scriptures. And I realized that this trial has had me truly turning to the Lord more in EVERY aspect of my life. The scriptures seemed to be just for me. I felt closer to my Heavenly Father and had a deeper and more personal understanding of His love for ME. It was a moment of pure peace. At a time I needed it most. I am grateful for those moments. They help me put away my long list of questions and focus on now. Making memories now!
This is hard. EVERYDAY is a battle. EVERY MOMENT! So, when things feel overwhelming and I wonder how I am going to make it through, I write. I am starting to realize that this blog is JUST for me. By the time I finish writing how hard it is, I always remember the tender mercies that have given me strength, and I feel like my post is really just me giving myself a pep-talk. Telling me to pull myself together for another moment to be able to handle this trial for one more day. I know that I couldn't do this without my husband and little girl! But more importantly, I couldn't do this without the love from our Heavenly Father. He is TRULY the source of strength and peace. And I am grateful that He reminds me of that whenever I forget.