After having our first little girl, my desire to get pregnant was just as strong as before. I worried that she wouldn't have siblings to play with and tease. I worried that the gap in between each child would be so great that they wouldn't be at the same stage of life to enjoy each other fully. I now knew the joy of having one and wanted SO VERY much to have another.
So in the fall of 2012, since we hadn't conceived on our own yet, we started the process for infertility treatments. We got our test results back at the beginning of December. After 2 different tests, 2 different times, the Doctors were now certain that Jake and I could not get pregnant on our own. We were devastated. We knew for certain that our little girl, Jillian, was a miracle at that time for us. Needless to say we spoiled her that Christmas! :) Shopping makes everything better, right?
In the spring of 2013 we started the InVitro process. Multiple doctor appointments, ultrasounds, medicine, shots, more appointments, schedules, more shots, til finally it was time to do the egg retrieval. We were getting SO excited. We had the 2 embryos transferred on July 11, 2013 and felt certain we would be pregnant with twins! Everything seemed to be going fine. Jake was our wards Scout Master in the Scouting program at the time and headed out Monday morning for his week long camping trip the week after the transfer. Tuesday night I had a rough night sleeping. I tossed and turned and could never get comfortable. Finally, at 5:30am I woke up and felt so sick. As I tried to get up I looked down and my stomach was as large as I was when I was 9months pregnant with Jillian. Needless to say it was a crazy and scary morning especially without my husband home. After a couple of blood tests and calls from our Doctors. I was put on bed-rest, with the diagnosis of Ovarian Hyper-Stimulation Syndrome. Pretty much, my ovaries got mad and started producing fluid that was filling my abdominal cavity. I was so grateful that my Mom was close and could come get me and take me to the Doctors and take care of me until Jake could make it home! I was given a Gatorade diet for all of my fluid intake until further notice and got to measure all intake and outtake of fluid. I can now with quite certainty say, I REALLY DON'T LIKE GATORADE!
It was an emotional 3 weeks for me. I had such a hard time telling everyone. "Hey, we did InVitro, my body back fired and now I'm on bed-rest.. . . surprise..." I know it seems silly but, I truly felt so down. We didn't even know if we were pregnant or not, and our whole family knew, our ward knew (since Jake needed to leave Scout camp to rescue my amazing parents who were taking such GREAT care of me and our daughter), and most of our friends now knew. It was really hard on me. I felt like our joy and excitement were gone, and I was so mad at myself for feeling that way.
Our blood tests came back that we were in fact pregnant and I felt such relief that this wasn't all for 'nothing'. I knew we were going to have a baby! I looked forward to our ultrasound and couldn't wait to see our amazing twins. At the first ultrasound the Doctor only saw one baby and worried about the sac, so he had us come back the following week. I really struggled that week. I felt like we had lost someone and could possibly lose another. We felt we were supposed to have twins. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints we believe that we can receive personal revelation from our Heavenly Father to guide and direct us. And I prayed for inspiration and peace to help me know what all of my feelings truly meant. At the next appointment, the Doctor said everything looked great. And as he was about to finish the ultrasound he stopped and had an odd expression on his face. I quickly asked what was wrong and he said that we had another baby in there! Our twins! I felt like I could finally relax. He proceeded to tell us that it was measuring a week behind and would probably not make it and be a vanishing twin, but we felt like everything would finally work out. We also were given the 'OK' to go to my regular OBGYN. At 9 weeks we went in and had our ultrasound. One baby. Jake and I went back and forth in our emotions. Why two? Why the roller coaster? Its not a vanishing twin. . .maybe its a reappearing twin. :) Ya, we thought of everything! :) But, at all of the next appointments, only one baby.
Going through infertility treatments to get this little one I thought I would just be ecstatic. I felt incredibly guilty because I wasn't. We worked SO hard to get this one, why am I so sad and disconnected throughout this pregnancy? As time went by we started to feel a little bit more peace and a bit more excitement. We talked about how crazy it had been just to get to this point so maybe that is why we hadn't had the emotional energy to just be excited or to just breathe for that matter! We started to finally feel better as the time drew closer to find out what gender our little one was! And I looked forward to finally feeling that feeling of moving forward with excitement and joy!