Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Bad Days

I have really bad days.  I have some days where I am just mad that I have to wait again.  That here I am pregnant and constantly thinking about when we have Anneliese. . .we'll have to wait at least 6 months before going in and doing the fertility treatments needed to get pregnant again.  And that is if the c-section that we are planning, to increase our chances of meeting sweet Anneliese, go well.  And, if my body recovers well.  I realize how long away it is, how much older Jillsie will be, how much time will continue to pass. . .. and I HATE every minute of it! And I get ornery, and sassy, and mean.

 I get mad that we have infertility issues, that we have been asked to go through ALL of this and wonder how I can continue to put on a happy face and say we are "Hangin' in there" to the countless amazing people we are blessed with in our lives, wondering how we are doing. 

Jake and I feel like the infertility that we have gone through has helped prepare us for some of the comments that have come now.  We have realized that MOST of the comments , if not all, are just from a lack of understanding and knowledge of WHAT to say.

In most cases, we know what they were trying to say. . .but, it does make us EXTRA cautious about who we even make eye contact with because,even though we know what they were TRYING to say. . .it makes it harder to keep yourself together and continue to handle what you are already trying to handle.  So, if we avoid you, or keep our conversation extra light....its not that we don't care, or are completely ok with whats going on. . .we just don't want you to say anything that we will have to recover from the following week.  :)

I have really bad days.  I find that I don't like writing on those days because I'm kind of mean.  Which, looking at the amount of posts and frequency of them, I have a lot of bad days.  Days where I am mad that I have to go through losing a baby we prayed so hard to have in our family.  Days where I wonder why babies come to some people; the rebelling teenage girl, the mom who really didn't want to get pregnant, the couple that fights all the time, the woman doing drugs, or all of the babies that are left alone and neglected.  Why them?  And not us?  And then I am reminded that babies are incredible blessings and that the sweet baby might turn the life of the teen to the Lord, help the struggling mom, heal a couples wounds, and bless the lives of countless couples and families who are praying to adopt.  But, it takes awhile to remember some days.

But, most of the time, my really bad days are just sad moments in my days.  Moments where I am sad that I won't get to have the joy of bringing our sweet baby home.  Sad that I won't see her smile and laugh, where I won't get to see her and Jillsie dancing in the front room together.  Sad that I won't know her funny little personality and get to see her grow.  And if I spend too much time thinking of all of the things I won't be able to experience with her. . . then my sad moments become sad days and if I'm not careful lead to bad days.  I've had lots of sad moments.  And its ok.  I can be sad.  I can be completely unhappy about my situation.  I can grieve.  And I'll try to do a lot of it now, so that when our little Anneliese comes. . .I can just LOVE HER!  Every second we have her with us!  So we can enjoy her small moment here on earth with her!  We can be sad now so we can try and make it an amazing journey for her when she comes!  We love you Anneliese!

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