Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Keep going...

The last couple of days have been so hard.  It's like time is passing too slowly and too quickly.  When I think of how long it will be until we have Anneliese, and then how long after saying goodbye until we can have another chance at bringing a baby seems so overwhelmingly long that my heart feels like it will burst.  Then when I think of how quickly time is passing and how soon we will be saying goodbye, I feel the same overwhelming feelings and wonder how I can do this everyday.

 I have been wondering a lot at how much The Lord has asked us to endure and worry what else He might ask of us.  I've been having extra anxiety about losing my little girl, Jillsie.  I've been so crazy emotional that she has been sleeping on the floor in our room at night and whenever we are apart I worry that I won't see her again.  All of a sudden my 'what-ifs', seem much more likely and I've been consumed in fear and doubt of my own faith and strength.

I truly wish that I could have a better understanding of my Heavenly Fathers plan for our little family and why we haven't been able to just bring lots of sweet little ones into our lives.  I've been wishing a lot lately that I just knew WHEN everything was going to happen... When Anneliese will come, when she'll go back to her Heavenly Father, when we'll get pregnant again.....
I know that that isn't how trials work, but it'd definitely help! :) I remember in General Conference in 2012, President Eyring gave a talk about asking for trials to increase his faith.  I remember thinking, 'uh, crazy! And that is why you are an apostle! Me, no thanks! I think I'm ok just handling what I've got!'  I wondered then if that made me less faithful because I didn't want to pray for trials to help me be stronger.  But I feel it is just what we do during the trial that can make or break us.  I've been broken during trials and have had to climb even farther to get to a good point again and I don't want to do that again!

If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing. In all conditions, we can choose the right with the guidance of the Spirit. We have the gospel of Jesus Christ to shape and guide our lives if we choose it. And with prophets revealing to us our place in the plan of salvation, we can live with perfect hope and a feeling of peace. We never need to feel that we are alone or unloved in the Lord’s service because we never are. We can feel the love of God. The Savior has promised angels on our left and our right to bear us up. And He always keeps His word. (2012 April General Conference, Mountains to Climb, Sat. Morning Session - By  Henry B. Eyring)

I truly hope that I can have the faith to endure this trial and whatever else lies ahead.  I know that I am not alone.  And tell myself that over and over when I doubt, which does happen a lot during this experience.  I want so much to get back to that feeling of peace and perfect hope and have an excitement for what is in store for me and my family.

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
2 Timothy 1:7

I know with God all things are possible, and that He does not prompt us with fear!  He gives us power! Love! And a sound mind!

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