Bad Days

I have really bad days.  I have some days where I am just mad that I have to wait again.  That here I am pregnant and constantly thinking about when we have Anneliese. . .we'll have to wait at least 6 months before going in and doing the fertility treatments needed to get pregnant again.  And that is if the c-section that we are planning, to increase our chances of meeting sweet Anneliese, go well.  And, if my body recovers well.  I realize how long away it is, how much older Jillsie will be, how much time will continue to pass. . .. and I HATE every minute of it! And I get ornery, and sassy, and mean.

 I get mad that we have infertility issues, that we have been asked to go through ALL of this and wonder how I can continue to put on a happy face and say we are "Hangin' in there" to the countless amazing people we are blessed with in our lives, wondering how we are doing. 

Jake and I feel like the infertility that we have gone through has helped prepare us for some of the comments that have come now.  We have realized that MOST of the comments , if not all, are just from a lack of understanding and knowledge of WHAT to say.

In most cases, we know what they were trying to say. . .but, it does make us EXTRA cautious about who we even make eye contact with because,even though we know what they were TRYING to say. . .it makes it harder to keep yourself together and continue to handle what you are already trying to handle.  So, if we avoid you, or keep our conversation extra light....its not that we don't care, or are completely ok with whats going on. . .we just don't want you to say anything that we will have to recover from the following week.  :)

I have really bad days.  I find that I don't like writing on those days because I'm kind of mean.  Which, looking at the amount of posts and frequency of them, I have a lot of bad days.  Days where I am mad that I have to go through losing a baby we prayed so hard to have in our family.  Days where I wonder why babies come to some people; the rebelling teenage girl, the mom who really didn't want to get pregnant, the couple that fights all the time, the woman doing drugs, or all of the babies that are left alone and neglected.  Why them?  And not us?  And then I am reminded that babies are incredible blessings and that the sweet baby might turn the life of the teen to the Lord, help the struggling mom, heal a couples wounds, and bless the lives of countless couples and families who are praying to adopt.  But, it takes awhile to remember some days.

But, most of the time, my really bad days are just sad moments in my days.  Moments where I am sad that I won't get to have the joy of bringing our sweet baby home.  Sad that I won't see her smile and laugh, where I won't get to see her and Jillsie dancing in the front room together.  Sad that I won't know her funny little personality and get to see her grow.  And if I spend too much time thinking of all of the things I won't be able to experience with her. . . then my sad moments become sad days and if I'm not careful lead to bad days.  I've had lots of sad moments.  And its ok.  I can be sad.  I can be completely unhappy about my situation.  I can grieve.  And I'll try to do a lot of it now, so that when our little Anneliese comes. . .I can just LOVE HER!  Every second we have her with us!  So we can enjoy her small moment here on earth with her!  We can be sad now so we can try and make it an amazing journey for her when she comes!  We love you Anneliese!

Amazing Moments

  During this very hard experience, Jake and I have been blessed with some incredible tender mercies that have helped bring peace, small moments of understanding, and strength to endure.  We know that these have come for us, and have only shared very few of these moments with even fewer people.  As we have had these experiences we have felt quite strongly that they aren't common, and aren't for sharing with everyone.  We have tried very hard to follow the spirit as we have shared or not shared these moments. 

Throughout most of my life I have been an open book.  I have shared my feelings openly and have shared insights openly.  But, I am realizing that some things are given just for you at that moment. And maybe, some future time you can share things, but maybe it was just for you to learn.  Jake and I have been trying really hard to know IF we are to share and have found it hard to open up at all at times.  We have seen the incredible peace that comes when we share at the right time, even if it is a small nugget of what we have experienced, when we follow the promptings of the spirit we are always filled with an intense feeling of love and peace. 

Jake and I feel so grateful that we have these and hope that we can continue to follow the spirit and be guided throughout this pregnancy with Anneliese.

Preparing for Anneliese

This morning I heard from the cemetery where we are hoping to have our sweet little one stay.  I started sobbing the second I hung up and once again realized how preparing for Anneliese to arrive has been so different from our first little girl, Jillsie.  I should be buying bows, and cute outfits.  Picking out colors for a nursery, and washing all of Jillsie's baby clothes and folding them nicely in drawers.  But, instead, we are looking at burial plots, burial dresses, warm blankets to say goodbye in and hats to cover her sweet head.  These moments seem to be coming closer together as I try so hard to prepare for when she'll come.  We are so very hopeful that we will be able to meet her but know that we need to prepare for every outcome.  I think that not knowing HOW or WHAT to prepare for has been the hardest thing for me.  How do I prepare emotionally and mentally for Anneliese to be stillborn and for the possibility of her staying for weeks?

 I've discovered over and over again that truly trusting in the Lord, His will, His timing. . . it is SO hard for me.  I want all the answers now.  Why us? How come now? And THIS way?  When will she come? Will we meet her?  My questions can go on and on.  But, yesterday I had found a few minutes to myself and was reading my scriptures.  And I realized that this trial has had me truly turning to the Lord more in EVERY aspect of my life.  The scriptures seemed to be just for me.  I felt closer to my Heavenly Father and had a deeper and more personal understanding of His love for ME.  It was a moment of pure peace.  At a time I needed it most.  I am grateful for those moments.  They help me put away my long list of questions and focus on now.  Making memories now! 

This is hard.  EVERYDAY is a battle.  EVERY MOMENT! So, when things feel overwhelming and I wonder how I am going to make it through, I write.  I am starting to realize that this blog is JUST for me.  By the time I finish writing how hard it is, I always remember the tender mercies that have given me strength, and I feel like my post is really just me giving myself a pep-talk. Telling me to pull myself together for another moment to be able to handle this trial for one more day.  I know that I couldn't do this without my husband and little girl!  But more importantly, I couldn't do this without the love from our Heavenly Father.  He is TRULY the source of strength and peace.  And I am grateful that He reminds me of that whenever I forget. 

Keep going...

The last couple of days have been so hard.  It's like time is passing too slowly and too quickly.  When I think of how long it will be until we have Anneliese, and then how long after saying goodbye until we can have another chance at bringing a baby home...it seems so overwhelmingly long that my heart feels like it will burst.  Then when I think of how quickly time is passing and how soon we will be saying goodbye, I feel the same overwhelming feelings and wonder how I can do this everyday.

 I have been wondering a lot at how much The Lord has asked us to endure and worry what else He might ask of us.  I've been having extra anxiety about losing my little girl, Jillsie.  I've been so crazy emotional that she has been sleeping on the floor in our room at night and whenever we are apart I worry that I won't see her again.  All of a sudden my 'what-ifs', seem much more likely and I've been consumed in fear and doubt of my own faith and strength.

I truly wish that I could have a better understanding of my Heavenly Fathers plan for our little family and why we haven't been able to just bring lots of sweet little ones into our lives.  I've been wishing a lot lately that I just knew WHEN everything was going to happen... When Anneliese will come, when she'll go back to her Heavenly Father, when we'll get pregnant again.....
I know that that isn't how trials work, but it'd definitely help! :) I remember in General Conference in 2012, President Eyring gave a talk about asking for trials to increase his faith.  I remember thinking, 'uh, crazy! And that is why you are an apostle! Me, no thanks! I think I'm ok just handling what I've got!'  I wondered then if that made me less faithful because I didn't want to pray for trials to help me be stronger.  But I feel it is just what we do during the trial that can make or break us.  I've been broken during trials and have had to climb even farther to get to a good point again and I don't want to do that again!

If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing. In all conditions, we can choose the right with the guidance of the Spirit. We have the gospel of Jesus Christ to shape and guide our lives if we choose it. And with prophets revealing to us our place in the plan of salvation, we can live with perfect hope and a feeling of peace. We never need to feel that we are alone or unloved in the Lord’s service because we never are. We can feel the love of God. The Savior has promised angels on our left and our right to bear us up. And He always keeps His word. (2012 April General Conference, Mountains to Climb, Sat. Morning Session - By  Henry B. Eyring)

I truly hope that I can have the faith to endure this trial and whatever else lies ahead.  I know that I am not alone.  And tell myself that over and over when I doubt, which does happen a lot during this experience.  I want so much to get back to that feeling of peace and perfect hope and have an excitement for what is in store for me and my family.

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

2 Timothy 1:7

I know with God all things are possible, and that He does not prompt us with fear!  He gives us power! Love! And a sound mind!

Our baby girl with Anenecephaly

November 1, 2013 was the day of our babies gender ultrasound.  I woke up feeling very nervous.  What if they said boy and I wished for a girl, or what if our baby was a girl and I wished for a boy?  I wondered if the vanishing twin would have been the other sex?  Would I feel an emptiness?  Why couldn't I be like other couples and just have babies when we planned?  I soon started to feel all worked up and worried but was sent a sure message of peace that had me feeling more connected with this little one inside me and more excited than I had felt up to that point!  I am SO incredibly grateful for that moment.  Heavenly Father is truly so mindful of each one of us and what we need.  And I definitely needed that moment. 

We were anticipating such an exciting ultrasound we took our sweet little Jillian with us to the appointment.  The ultrasound started like any other and as we started the tech decided she had good shots of the feet and legs and decided to start there instead of the head.  We talked and laughed and when she said we were having a girl, tears of joy streamed down my face.  I felt truly excited to have a baby.  The first time feeling all encompassing joy up to this point was when I heard Jillsie would have a sister.  I felt so happy.  As the ultrasound continued I felt the joy leave and worry settle in its place.  The head was measuring small.  I felt uneasy and the techs finished up and said they'd be right back.  They came back with a Doctor.  They had me get back on the table and wanted to look at our precious little girl again.  They then said that we needed to go upstairs to our OBGYNs office and that she was waiting for us.  I knew.  I sobbed as we walked down the hall to her office.  WHY?  Why after ALL of this heartache did we now have more?  As we waited for our Dr to come in and tell us what was wrong, I sat holding Jillian on my lap and started fuming inside.  Once again, Heavenly Father truly does bless us with what we need and I knew time with our baby would be short.  The rest of the visit and day seem like a blur.  She told us what I had already felt, that our little girl wouldn't live long.  She then told us it was called Anencephaly.  A neural tube defect that is fatal.  No surgery, no tests, no heroic efforts could be done.  I honestly don't remember much, I sat, cried and held our little girl. . . .feeling so empty.  We were told we could terminate the pregnancy or carry her to full term. But that most likely she would be born stillborn.  All I can remember thinking is 'How am I going to do this?'

That first weekend was a blur of an emotional roller coaster.  We would feel peace and joy that we get to have her for a moment and then seconds later, be completely devastated, overwhelmed and wished we could wake up from the nightmare we were being asked to go through.  I think for me Sunday was the hardest full day.  We had been blessed with so much Heavenly peace and would get it when we asked for it.  But Sunday, no matter what, I felt empty, awful and mad we had to go through this. We were meeting with our Bishop (our wards religious leader) to just get some direction and I hoped that I would leave with peace and direction.  Our Bishop was great.  He listened and showed such love.   When we left I felt a little better but still felt such an ache and emptiness.  I went to my room and just sobbed.  I tried to sleep but couldn't.  I didn't want to do this.  If she wasn't going to make it anyway, couldn't Heavenly Father just take her now so we could move forward with trying again?  How much farther apart in age will our children be?   Will we even be able to have more children?

I started to pray and started to search through the scriptures.  I  wanted answers to everything!  I had been steering clear of searching for information but decided to search for someone out there who had possibly gone through the same thing.  I saw a blog on google called, Our Journey with our baby girl Joy.  It had a little note under about Anencephaly.  I glanced through it but wanted to look at it with Jake.  And so that night after we put Jillian to bed we sat and watched this video of the sweet experience with their little girl.  This changed how I have looked at this whole experience.  I still ride the roller coaster of emotions but feel a greater strength going through this ride.  Knowing that I have an amazing husband and daughter, not to mention a great extended family, but that Heavenly Father truly sends us comforting angels through other people. 

"When we speak of those who are instruments in the hand of God, we are reminded that not all angels are from the other side of the veil.  Some of them we walk with and talk with-here, now, and every day.  Indeed heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind."

-Jeffrey R. Holland,Ministry of Angels

Jake and I truly feel so grateful for the White family's testimony and story shared with us.  They have been angels in our life and we are so grateful that Heavenly Father blessed us through their little girl Joy.  And that they were willing to share!

I know that our journey through this experience is just beginning and at times the thought is so overwhelming.  But as I sit here writing this my sweet little girl , Anneliese Audrey, is moving inside my belly and I feel blessed to have her with me at this time.  I know that families can be together forever and that we will see our little girl again after she has finished her time here on earth.  How incredibly grateful I am for this knowledge.  Our Heavenly Father is VERY aware of each one of us.  Our heartaches, our joys, and all that is ahead. I hope that one day I can be an instrument in His hands to provide the comfort and love for someone that might be seeking it.  I know that Heavenly Father sends us that peace if we will only look for it and grab hold of it when it is sent our way!  I have experienced it over and over again through my infertility struggles and through preparing to say goodbye to this little baby.  He sends peace!  We only need to accept the tremendous gift!!  

Our Journey getting pregnant with our 2nd Child

After having our first little girl, my desire to get pregnant was just as strong as before.  I worried that she wouldn't have siblings to play with and tease.  I worried that the gap in between each child would be so great that they wouldn't be at the same stage of life to enjoy each other fully.  I now knew the joy of having one and wanted SO VERY much to have another. 

So in the fall of 2012, since we hadn't conceived on our own yet, we started the process for infertility treatments.  We got our test results back at the beginning of December.  After 2 different tests, 2 different times, the Doctors were now certain that Jake and I could not get pregnant on our own.  We were devastated.  We knew for certain that our little girl, Jillian, was a miracle at that time for us.  Needless to say we spoiled her that Christmas!  :)  Shopping makes everything better, right? 

In the spring of 2013 we started the InVitro process.  Multiple doctor appointments, ultrasounds, medicine, shots, more appointments, schedules, more shots, til finally it was time to do the egg retrieval. We were getting  SO excited.  We had the 2 embryos transferred on July 11, 2013 and felt certain we would be pregnant with twins!  Everything seemed to be going fine.  Jake was our wards Scout Master in the Scouting program at the time and headed out Monday morning for his week long camping trip the week after the transfer.  Tuesday night I had a rough night sleeping.  I tossed and turned and could never get comfortable.  Finally, at 5:30am I woke up and felt so sick.  As I tried to get up I looked down and my stomach was as large as I was when I was 9months pregnant with Jillian.  Needless to say it was a crazy and scary morning especially without my husband home. After a couple of blood tests and calls from our Doctors.   I was put on bed-rest, with the diagnosis of Ovarian Hyper-Stimulation Syndrome.  Pretty much, my ovaries got mad and started producing fluid that was filling my abdominal cavity. I was so grateful that my Mom was close and could come get me and take me to the Doctors and take care of me until Jake could make it home! I was given a Gatorade diet for all of my fluid intake until further notice and got to measure all intake and outtake of fluid.  I can now with quite certainty say, I REALLY DON'T LIKE GATORADE! 

It was an emotional 3 weeks for me.  I had such a hard time telling everyone.  "Hey, we did InVitro, my body back fired and now I'm on bed-rest.. . . surprise..."  I know it seems silly but, I truly felt so down.  We didn't even know if we were pregnant or not, and our whole family knew, our ward knew (since Jake needed to leave Scout camp to rescue my amazing parents who were taking such GREAT care of me and our daughter), and most of our friends now knew.  It was really hard on me.  I felt like our joy and excitement were gone, and I was so mad at myself for feeling that way. 

Our blood tests came back that we were in fact pregnant and I felt such relief that this wasn't all for 'nothing'.  I knew we were going to have a baby!  I looked forward to our ultrasound and couldn't wait to see our amazing twins.  At the first ultrasound the Doctor only saw one baby and worried about the sac, so he had us come back the following week.  I really struggled that week.  I felt like we had lost someone and could possibly lose another.  We felt we were supposed to have twins.  As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints we believe that we can receive personal revelation from our Heavenly Father to guide and direct us.  And I prayed for inspiration and peace to help me know what all of my feelings truly meant.  At the next appointment, the Doctor said everything looked great.  And as he was about to finish the ultrasound he stopped and had an odd expression on his face.  I quickly asked what was wrong and he said that we had another baby in there!  Our twins! I felt like I could finally relax.  He proceeded to tell us that it was measuring a week behind and would probably not make it and be a vanishing twin, but we felt like everything would finally work out.  We also were given the 'OK' to go to my regular OBGYN.  At 9 weeks we went in and had our ultrasound.  One baby.  Jake and I went back and forth in our emotions.   Why two?  Why the roller coaster?  Its not a vanishing twin. . .maybe its a reappearing twin. :)  Ya, we thought of everything! :)  But, at all of the next appointments, only one baby.

Going through infertility treatments to get this little one I thought I would just be ecstatic.  I felt incredibly guilty because I wasn't.  We worked SO hard to get this one, why am I so sad and disconnected throughout this pregnancy?  As time went by we started to feel a little bit more peace and a bit more excitement.  We talked about how crazy it had been just to get to this point so maybe that is why we hadn't had the emotional energy to just be excited or to just breathe for that matter!  We started to finally feel better as the time drew closer to find out what gender our little one was!  And I looked forward to finally feeling that feeling of moving forward with excitement and joy!  

Our Story

On November 1, 2013 our lives were changed forever, and this is why I am writing.  I'm not an eloquent writer and don't know that I even feel adequate to express the feelings I've had through these recent experiences, but I want to write this for me and hopefully be able to give some comfort to someone else that may be going through this in the future.

Jake and I are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and were sealed in an LDS Temple in 2005.  A few months after being married we felt it was time to start our family.  We soon found ourselves struggling with the heartache of wanting to become parents month after month.  This heartache continued for 4 years.  Through multiple pregnancies and births of family members and friends we waited, hoped and cried often.  Why? and When? questions plagued our thoughts and prayers continually.  We saw so many people being blessed with children and ached to have our own family.  In 2007 we tried Artificial Insemenation to try to conceive but after 2 attempts, were told that it wouldn't work and needed to try something else.  Jake and I were temporarily relocating for a sales job for four months right after that and felt like the summer would give us time to re-group and plan what we needed to do next.  That summer was a great break for us.  We were blessed with peace and a comforting feeling that parenthood was around the corner.  So we decided to wait patiently until our loving Heavenly Father would bless us with parenthood.  Finally, In 2009 we felt like it was time to do everything we possibly could to get a baby! We signed up for foster care courses, filled out adoption papers, made multiple doctor appointments for as soon as possible, prayed fervently and went to the temple often to help us feel closer to our Heavenly Father and be directed to know which way we needed to go to get our family here.

Two months had passed and it was the day before our appointment with an infertility specialist and OBGYN.  My cycle had been very inconsistent since trying Artificial Insemenation and I never knew if I was really late starting or not, so I decided to take a pregnancy test the day before the appointment so I could tell the Doctor that 'Yes, I'm sure I'm not pregnant.'  Struggling with infertility you learn quickly how to not get too excited or disappointed...pretty much you try to teach yourself not to hope so that the negative doesn't crush you.  So, that morning when a POSITIVE showed up, I thought for sure it was wrong.  I put it up on the shelf and hid it so Jake wouldn't see so that I could get the "real" results to show him. Crazy right?! I should have been ecstatic!  But, ever cautious, I kept it quiet for hours! Jake was getting ready to head to work when out of the blue he asked if I had taken a test.  My response, "Ya, but... I don't know."  I then told him what had happened and for the first time it truly sank in, I'M PREGNANT!  We hugged and cried, happy tears. I truly think that in my mind I thought, "Hey, that trial is over! We can finally have a family now."  But that hasn't been the case.  We did have a fabulous, healthy pregnancy and now have a beautiful 3yr old daughter.  We feel so VERY blessed to have her in our lives!  I have come to learn that the heartache of waiting for 'at least one baby' has been just as challenging for me as waiting for 'another baby'.  Watching our girl grow up and fearing she won't have siblings to grow up with has been so hard.  She has been such a blessing in our lives and hope to give her lots of siblings soon!