The roller coaster of feelings that we've experienced after Anneliese returned home to our Heavenly Father have been overwhelming at times. But the hardest for me has been the guilt I have felt. Guilt that I can't remember much. Guilt that I have great and happy days and then guilt that I have bad days. Guilt that I am not coping right. Guilt that I am neglecting Jillsie and Jake while I grieve and figure out HOW to grieve. It's exhausting and at times I feel so emotionally overloaded that I fall apart and wonder how I can keep going....AGAIN! I KNOW satan is trying to knock us down and out right now. . . because he has been hitting us constantly and in so many different areas of our lives. Our experiences with Anneliese has helped us be more anchored in the gospel of Jesus Christ and closer to our very loving Heavenly Father than EVER. But, fighting off the guilt emotions as well as the others has left Jake and I feeling like we are huddled in a corner just waiting for the barrage of attacks to end.
I felt so much peace at the hospital after Anneliese came, that I think I expected to just be at peace throughout the rest of this experience. I think I thought that I was over the hard part. She came, we had SO many prayers answered and had so much peace and joy after that I felt I was going to be ok. That my heart wouldn't ache as much. But, the day after the funeral. . .reality set in a bit. It was just the three of us again. Anneliese was real right? And as the days progressed reality hit hard. . .guilt, heartache, frustration, denial, a lot more heartache, more guilt and an insane ache of wanting a baby in my arms and trying to figure out how to get pregnant fast. I started to pray so fervently that the aches would lift so I could function 'normally' again. But, as the days passed. . .I just felt more empty. Jake was back at work, Jillsie had preschool and play dates. . . .and me. . . .I had more time to think than I wanted. Thinking means crying lately and I just wanted the pain to be over! I still just want the pain to be over. But, since it won't be, we are learning how to cope again. We are learning to take it moment by moment again. Learning our new 'normal' and trying hard to stay close to the Savior as we fight our way out of the corner we are huddled in. We have felt of our Heavenly Fathers love in SO many ways and through SO many people. We feel so very grateful for the outpouring of love shown from all of our family, friends and even complete strangers! We are truly so very blessed! And I am grateful to say that I would still do this ALL over again for our sweet Anneliese to progress the way she needed in our Heavenly Fathers plan! We are so very grateful for the knowledge we have of the Plan of Happiness and that we can be together forever as a family!
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Outlet...
I have had a hard time writing lately. Not that I don't want to, but I feel self conscious and nervous since publicly sharing our blog. Will I say things right? Will our loved ones worry more? Is that word spelled correctly? Is that grammatically correct? It's like all of these ridiculous worries deterred me from writing. I started thinking, 'it's ok, no one needs to hear from us anyway.' But, I have now felt on a daily basis that I NEED to write again. Not necessarily for anyone else...but for ME. I need my outlet, I need to share, and learn, and feel all that I need to at this time in my life...so I can remember. I feel like I have been in a foggy existence since Anneliese's birth. I hope that using my 'outlet' helps me remember and feel more clearly again.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Ups and downs
Two weeks, four days. Time has blurred by. . .it feels like the last year is a blur. Was I really just pregnant? The crazy range of emotions of getting pregnant, finding out she won't be here with us long and then saying goodbye has all come and gone much too fast. It's been so much harder than I had anticipated.
When we were trying to get pregnant, I'd see pregnant women and wish I could just BE pregnant. Then we finally got pregnant with Anneliese, and I'd see other pregnant women, I'd envy them having a happy and excited pregnancy. And now, when I see pregnant women, I wish that I could just be pregnant with Anneliese still, feeling her kick and move and knowing she is just with me. . .and at the same time wishing I could just be pregnant with our next little one now.
It's made me realize how dissatisfied I've been and how I need to show more gratitude for where I am now and what God has blessed me with RIGHT NOW. I am so very blessed! We are surrounded by supportive and loving family, friends, and neighbors. We have had countless cards, emails, texts, flowers, gifts, meals, visits and love poured out in our home then we could have ever have imagined. We have had an extreme amount of peace in our hearts about when Anneliese came and how quickly she left. And with that peace we've felt, and the amount of joy and happiness we feel for Anneliese, it's made it easier for us during the hard and sad moments. There are hard and sad moments. Moments where I once again ask, 'Why?' all over again and wish it would all go away. Wish the pain in my chest would subside, wish the tears that come so easily would dry up and wish that I could just feel like ME again. And so during this crazy roller coaster of emotions, I feel very blessed and grateful for what I have now. Grateful for happy moments, for shows that make me laugh, for friends who help distract me. Grateful for Pinterest! For crafts and projects and paint samples to focus on something completely different for awhile and dream of changing our whole house!! :)
I'm realizing more and more the joy and hope of 'opposition in all things'. It truly is such a blessing! I first felt it so strongly after we had Anneliese. The heartache of going through this pregnancy and wishing so desperately to have it all be a different outcome and then having Anneliese and the insane amount of love and peace and joy we felt for our little girl...I KNEW I'd go through all of the heartache and pain again! It's made me hopeful and excited for the future...the heartache and pain I'm feeling now....there is a matching amount of joy and happiness for me. . .sometime in the future. I don't know when, but my Heavenly Father does, but through this experience I have learned that He does and will continue to take care of us!! Things will all work out. . .and they will be AMAZING!
When we were trying to get pregnant, I'd see pregnant women and wish I could just BE pregnant. Then we finally got pregnant with Anneliese, and I'd see other pregnant women, I'd envy them having a happy and excited pregnancy. And now, when I see pregnant women, I wish that I could just be pregnant with Anneliese still, feeling her kick and move and knowing she is just with me. . .and at the same time wishing I could just be pregnant with our next little one now.
It's made me realize how dissatisfied I've been and how I need to show more gratitude for where I am now and what God has blessed me with RIGHT NOW. I am so very blessed! We are surrounded by supportive and loving family, friends, and neighbors. We have had countless cards, emails, texts, flowers, gifts, meals, visits and love poured out in our home then we could have ever have imagined. We have had an extreme amount of peace in our hearts about when Anneliese came and how quickly she left. And with that peace we've felt, and the amount of joy and happiness we feel for Anneliese, it's made it easier for us during the hard and sad moments. There are hard and sad moments. Moments where I once again ask, 'Why?' all over again and wish it would all go away. Wish the pain in my chest would subside, wish the tears that come so easily would dry up and wish that I could just feel like ME again. And so during this crazy roller coaster of emotions, I feel very blessed and grateful for what I have now. Grateful for happy moments, for shows that make me laugh, for friends who help distract me. Grateful for Pinterest! For crafts and projects and paint samples to focus on something completely different for awhile and dream of changing our whole house!! :)
I'm realizing more and more the joy and hope of 'opposition in all things'. It truly is such a blessing! I first felt it so strongly after we had Anneliese. The heartache of going through this pregnancy and wishing so desperately to have it all be a different outcome and then having Anneliese and the insane amount of love and peace and joy we felt for our little girl...I KNEW I'd go through all of the heartache and pain again! It's made me hopeful and excited for the future...the heartache and pain I'm feeling now....there is a matching amount of joy and happiness for me. . .sometime in the future. I don't know when, but my Heavenly Father does, but through this experience I have learned that He does and will continue to take care of us!! Things will all work out. . .and they will be AMAZING!
Friday, February 7, 2014
Celebrating Her Miraculous Journey
This is Jake. I guess it's my turn to share some thoughts. On Monday January 27, 2014 we celebrated Anneliese. We were blessed with such love and support! The only way we have been able to describe what we felt during the funeral preparations and her actual celebration, was "Overwhelmingly grateful." Grateful to meet her. Grateful to feel so close to heaven. Grateful to see such miracles. Grateful for such amazing family and friends. And the list goes on. We received countless emails, text messages, phone calls, visits by amazing people offering to babysit Jillian so Heidi and I could be together, friends and neighbors dropping off meals, treats, gifts and hugs, and family spending time cleaning our house and cooking us meals. We had family fly in and many others who wanted to be with us on Anneliese's special day and still helped celebrate with us in their own special ways.
We felt so blessed that the labor and delivery went smoothly, allowing us to spend time as a family without nurses or doctors interrupting us. Heidi was admitted to the hospital about 5:30am and discharged at 7pm that same day. We spent the immediate days following Anneliese's arrival and departure at home as a family. On our way home from the hospital I wanted to pick up some lumber to make Anneliese a display shadow box for the celebration. I grew up in a home with a display case on our dining room wall filled with a picture, booties and a few other remembrances of my baby sister Adrienne who passed away from SIDS at 6 weeks old. I was only 9 years old at the time, and although most of my memories of her have faded over the last 20+ years, I often found myself staring at it during times of big decisions, trials and confusion in my life. It always seemed to bring me great peace, strength, direction and comfort in hard times.
So, while my sister in law was upstairs chatting with Heidi on the Saturday afternoon before the celebration, I was in the basement turning 3 pieces of wood into my best concoction of what Heidi had expressed to me she eventually wanted Anneliese's shadow box to look like. I thought I had done a pretty good job, but when I brought it up the stairs to confirm if it was the the right size for what she wanted to put in it, her eyes immediately filled with tears and holding her hand over her heart, she whispered to me, "It's perfect." My sister-in-law stole herself away to the front room for a minute while Heidi and I held each other and cried tears of both sadness and joy. Sadness that the shadow box would be the one to tangibly hold our angel baby and not us, and joy because it would also be holding those items that touched our sweet Anneliese, and would serve as a constant reminder of her life of perfection and be a mechanism of healing our hearts until we can hold her again.
Heidi did an amazing job filling it with her feet and hand molds the hospital made for us, her baby bracelet, dress, and cap she wore at the hospital for pictures, and a framed picture of Heidi and I holding her. This will soon hang in our Master Bedroom...just as soon as I find the right hardware to hang it properly.
Now that we've had 2 weeks to absorb what's happened, we are realizing just how emotionally up and down our lives are at the moment. It appears that one moment everything is fine. We are going through the motions of our routine and things are moving along. I'm back to work. Jillian is back to school twice a week and Heidi is keeping the house together as she always has. But I'd be lying if I said we are really back to normal. I feel about as unstable as ever. It appears that only a few seconds after, "Everything is fine," we're holding each other in tears, with aching arms to snuggle Anneliese again and see her older sister do the same.
My heart aches for Jillian to have a sibling to play with. Yesterday we celebrated Jillian's 4th birthday, and at the last minute booked a condo to give her our undivided attention for a long weekend, so she would know how loved she still is by her, "Unstable" parents. I've come to grips with the fact that I'm not the perfect father, but I'm trying. All I can do is try harder today than I did yesterday. My girls need me right now more than ever before, and although there often doesn't seem to be much, "Fuel left in the tank," it's the life I can say that I am glad I chose, and it's my responsibility to EXPRESS my love and support constantly. There is no "Day off" as a husband and father, and I consider myself so blessed to have been raised by such an amazing father who could teach me that first-hand as I am 1 of his 13 children. On my baby sister's headstone my parents were wise enough to engrave, "Our lighthouse in the storm." They were so inspired in choosing that. I don't recall a single trial in my life where I didn't reflect on that phrase.
We all have trials we don't want to bear. My favorite scripture is found in The Book of Mormon: "And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the arock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your bfoundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty cstorm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."(Helaman 5:12)
We felt so blessed that the labor and delivery went smoothly, allowing us to spend time as a family without nurses or doctors interrupting us. Heidi was admitted to the hospital about 5:30am and discharged at 7pm that same day. We spent the immediate days following Anneliese's arrival and departure at home as a family. On our way home from the hospital I wanted to pick up some lumber to make Anneliese a display shadow box for the celebration. I grew up in a home with a display case on our dining room wall filled with a picture, booties and a few other remembrances of my baby sister Adrienne who passed away from SIDS at 6 weeks old. I was only 9 years old at the time, and although most of my memories of her have faded over the last 20+ years, I often found myself staring at it during times of big decisions, trials and confusion in my life. It always seemed to bring me great peace, strength, direction and comfort in hard times.
So, while my sister in law was upstairs chatting with Heidi on the Saturday afternoon before the celebration, I was in the basement turning 3 pieces of wood into my best concoction of what Heidi had expressed to me she eventually wanted Anneliese's shadow box to look like. I thought I had done a pretty good job, but when I brought it up the stairs to confirm if it was the the right size for what she wanted to put in it, her eyes immediately filled with tears and holding her hand over her heart, she whispered to me, "It's perfect." My sister-in-law stole herself away to the front room for a minute while Heidi and I held each other and cried tears of both sadness and joy. Sadness that the shadow box would be the one to tangibly hold our angel baby and not us, and joy because it would also be holding those items that touched our sweet Anneliese, and would serve as a constant reminder of her life of perfection and be a mechanism of healing our hearts until we can hold her again.
Heidi did an amazing job filling it with her feet and hand molds the hospital made for us, her baby bracelet, dress, and cap she wore at the hospital for pictures, and a framed picture of Heidi and I holding her. This will soon hang in our Master Bedroom...just as soon as I find the right hardware to hang it properly.
Now that we've had 2 weeks to absorb what's happened, we are realizing just how emotionally up and down our lives are at the moment. It appears that one moment everything is fine. We are going through the motions of our routine and things are moving along. I'm back to work. Jillian is back to school twice a week and Heidi is keeping the house together as she always has. But I'd be lying if I said we are really back to normal. I feel about as unstable as ever. It appears that only a few seconds after, "Everything is fine," we're holding each other in tears, with aching arms to snuggle Anneliese again and see her older sister do the same.
My heart aches for Jillian to have a sibling to play with. Yesterday we celebrated Jillian's 4th birthday, and at the last minute booked a condo to give her our undivided attention for a long weekend, so she would know how loved she still is by her, "Unstable" parents. I've come to grips with the fact that I'm not the perfect father, but I'm trying. All I can do is try harder today than I did yesterday. My girls need me right now more than ever before, and although there often doesn't seem to be much, "Fuel left in the tank," it's the life I can say that I am glad I chose, and it's my responsibility to EXPRESS my love and support constantly. There is no "Day off" as a husband and father, and I consider myself so blessed to have been raised by such an amazing father who could teach me that first-hand as I am 1 of his 13 children. On my baby sister's headstone my parents were wise enough to engrave, "Our lighthouse in the storm." They were so inspired in choosing that. I don't recall a single trial in my life where I didn't reflect on that phrase.
We all have trials we don't want to bear. My favorite scripture is found in The Book of Mormon: "And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the arock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your bfoundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty cstorm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."(Helaman 5:12)
My family and I have now been blessed with our own lighthouse to stand alongside Adrienne to brighten our storms with hope and direction in the darkness of adversity and trial. Anneliese has been made perfect in Christ and his atonement. We know her spirit lives on in the spirit world, and she eagerly awaits the day of resurrection just as Christ did. "For
Christ...might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh, but quickened
by the Spirit: By which also he went and preached unto the spirits in prison; Which
sometime were disobedient, when once the longsuffering of God waited in
the days of Noah, while the ark was a preparing, wherein few, that is,
eight souls were saved by water. The like figure whereunto even
baptism doth also now save us (not the putting away of the filth of the
flesh, but the answer of a good conscience toward God,) by the
resurrection of Jesus Christ:
Who is gone into heaven, and is on the right hand of God; angels and authorities and powers being made subject unto him." (1 Peter 3:18-22). Children are perfected in Christ, and in his perfection, root for us to be steadfast and unmoved in the storms of life, that we might be reunited with them again someday. This knowledge doesn't remove all of the pain and sorrow that has come to us in burying our child that we want so badly to raise in this life, but this knowledge does make it bearable. There is a God in heaven, and he loves every one of his children perfectly. "For aGod so bloved the cworld, that he dgave his eonly begotten fSon, that whosoever gbelieveth in him should not perish, but have heverlasting ilife." (John 3:16) Christ Lives. He has paved the path for families to be together forever, and although I fall short every day, I find peace in his grace and glory for having closed the gap of my failures through his infinite atonement. We just need to take life one day at a time...and on the difficult days, one moment at a time. "Remember that without afaith you can do nothing..." Doctrine and Covenants 8:10
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Anneliese...she is real.
As the days have gone on, I feel like I have had to remind myself over and over that I did have another little girl. The ache in my arms and heart seem to be so overwhelming at times that I feel as if I'm losing my mind. And then I say quietly to myself, 'I had a little girl, her name is Anneliese, she needed a body, and is now with Our Heavenly Father.' The joy and peace spreads inside me-sometimes in a wave that is all encompassing and other times it spreads slowly and I know that I can make it through that moment because of the love from our Heavenly Father! She came and went so quickly. Jake and I felt like we had just gotten used to the fact that we wouldn't have her with us for long that it's been hard to realize it's all over...that she was real, that I actually held her, that she is ours forever. It wasn't a dream. She is real! Happy 1st week in Heaven Anneliese!
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Anneliese's Arrival
As I sit and prepare to write this I am filled with so much love and joy! I'm so very grateful for my little Anneliese and for the joy I feel as I think about her! I feel so very grateful for Jake and all he truly went through that night for us! I'm so very blessed to have such an amazing husband! I'm also so very grateful for Jillian and our parents and the love that encompassed us all that day!! Heaven has never felt closer!
I had gone to bed on January 22, my stomach felt tight and uncomfortable, but this was not an uncommon thing so I definitely didn't plan on her arriving the next morning! At about 3:40a.m. on January 23, I woke up feeling very uncomfortable and wondered if I had slept wrong. I got up to check on Jillsie, and as I got back into bed I realized that the discomfort I woke up with was increasing in intensity. I tried to fall back asleep for about 5 minutes but ended up waking Jake feeling very nervous that the pain wasn't going away. I had convinced myself that it wasn't contractions while my very wise husband started monitoring the "pain" I was feeling. We spent the next 20-30 minutes trying multiple different things to hopefully stop the pain, while Jake continued to monitor my contractions which were coming every 3-5 minutes and lasting anywhere from 30-60 seconds. Jake gave me a quick blessing, in between contractions, and I felt that everything would be OK. It was around 4:40am. that we noticed I was spotting and decided it was time to call the doctor. The doctor on call said he wanted me to come in. Honestly, I was still thinking that we would go in and they would say it was a false alarm and we'd come back home. Yup, complete denial on my part.
Jake quickly got together things for us all and got Jill's in her coat and shoes while I sat in a panicked and dazed pain, and accomplished walking to the car! :). We had to deliver at a hospital about 50 minute away because it was a high risk pregnancy. So, as we pulled out of our neighborhood behind a state trooper and pulled up alongside him at the stoplight, Jake rolled down the window to get his attention and said, "My wife is in labor and we have to deliver an hour away at the hospital, do you provide escorts?" The trooper said, "We don't provide escorts…just drive safe." Jake drove faster than he should have to get us to the hospital in record time! 28 minutes!! (Of which I am very grateful for at the time:) I'm sure that Anneliese rounded up ridiculous amounts of angels to get us to the hospital safely! :)
We pulled up to the Emergency Room valet, which was closed, unloaded, left the car running and had the quick check-in at 5:36a.m. We were quickly wheeled up to our room in labor and delivery. My Doctor happened to be there for another delivery and so she helped us through most of this process which was such a blessing. I feel like the next 40 minutes were a bit of a blur. I know that I was feeling intense contractions and KNEW I was in labor. I also knew that I was trying to hold it together, at one point, because Jillsie was sitting on the couch right next to me. I was also aware, soon after that moment, Jake took Jill's out to 'play' with some other nurses until my mom arrived. As Jake left, I remember thinking I just wanted it to all be over and cried to one of the nurses that I couldn't do 'this' anymore. A feeling that I have felt guilty about countless times since, because I feel like Anneliese arrived and passed away before I had processed that she was actually coming.
After this moment, it felt like everything sped up. Asking for an epidural again, getting my IV in and meds to help with pain, breathing through contractions, wishing it was over, and finally my water actually broke. At that moment it was like instant relief. Pain subsided and the anesthesiologist was brought in to finally do the epidural. My doctor left while I was getting ready for my epidural, we all thought things would slow down now. Anneliese, on the other hand, had her own plan. As I was getting prepped for the epidural my contractions came back immediately and were in full force. My back had been numbed and the epidural was about to be threaded and I knew we didn't have time. I told the anesthesiologist that we were done and I needed to push. It was the most intense pain I had ever experienced. I was terrified, tired emotionally and physically, and knew that we might have a lifeless little girl in our arms to say goodbye to soon. Every fear, crazy emotion and dread for that moment seemed to overwhelm me and I wondered if I could be strong enough to keep this up. And then, as if in an instant, she was here. The second she took a breath and was in my arms, all fear was replaced with the most intense peace and love. She was perfect! Just 62 minutes after being admitted to labor and delivery, we were holding her in our arms. At only 2lbs 2oz and 13 inches long, she was perfect. She was just like her big sister in the fact that she couldn't keep her tongue in her mouth, for being 9 weeks premature, she still had chubby little cheeks on her which we were so grateful for.
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While the nurses finished up with me, Jake held Anneliese and sent one of the nurses out to get Jillian and my mom who were still in the waiting area. Just a few minutes later, Anneliese got to meet her big sister and grandma. We were perfectly calm, as Anneliese, 9 weeks premature, fought for every breath to spend 45 incredible minutes with us. It was so peaceful and calm. I don't know how else to describe it…it was everything the labor and delivery HADN'T been:) Suddenly, the pain was gone, and all that mattered in that moment was us being together as a family. I just wanted Jillian, Jake and Anneliese close to me, all together, celebrating this miracle together.
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My dad arrived in time to see and hold Anneliese just as she took her final breath, just 45 minutes after taking her first.
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Jake's parents arrived about 10 minutes later and were able to hold her little body, and still feel of the sweet peace she left with us.
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This entire experience has strengthened our testimonies of Heavenly Father's love for us and his great plan of happiness of which we are all a part. We are so grateful, and humbled, by all of our family and friends who prayed diligently with us that we might be able to meet our Anneliese. Heavenly Father and Anneliese answered those prayers, and we felt Anneliese wanted us to feel of her love and gratitude. This little angel managed to not only survive a natural, breech delivery, but was strong enough to be with us as a family for 45 wonderful minutes!
I had gone to bed on January 22, my stomach felt tight and uncomfortable, but this was not an uncommon thing so I definitely didn't plan on her arriving the next morning! At about 3:40a.m. on January 23, I woke up feeling very uncomfortable and wondered if I had slept wrong. I got up to check on Jillsie, and as I got back into bed I realized that the discomfort I woke up with was increasing in intensity. I tried to fall back asleep for about 5 minutes but ended up waking Jake feeling very nervous that the pain wasn't going away. I had convinced myself that it wasn't contractions while my very wise husband started monitoring the "pain" I was feeling. We spent the next 20-30 minutes trying multiple different things to hopefully stop the pain, while Jake continued to monitor my contractions which were coming every 3-5 minutes and lasting anywhere from 30-60 seconds. Jake gave me a quick blessing, in between contractions, and I felt that everything would be OK. It was around 4:40am. that we noticed I was spotting and decided it was time to call the doctor. The doctor on call said he wanted me to come in. Honestly, I was still thinking that we would go in and they would say it was a false alarm and we'd come back home. Yup, complete denial on my part.
Jake quickly got together things for us all and got Jill's in her coat and shoes while I sat in a panicked and dazed pain, and accomplished walking to the car! :). We had to deliver at a hospital about 50 minute away because it was a high risk pregnancy. So, as we pulled out of our neighborhood behind a state trooper and pulled up alongside him at the stoplight, Jake rolled down the window to get his attention and said, "My wife is in labor and we have to deliver an hour away at the hospital, do you provide escorts?" The trooper said, "We don't provide escorts…just drive safe." Jake drove faster than he should have to get us to the hospital in record time! 28 minutes!! (Of which I am very grateful for at the time:) I'm sure that Anneliese rounded up ridiculous amounts of angels to get us to the hospital safely! :)
We pulled up to the Emergency Room valet, which was closed, unloaded, left the car running and had the quick check-in at 5:36a.m. We were quickly wheeled up to our room in labor and delivery. My Doctor happened to be there for another delivery and so she helped us through most of this process which was such a blessing. I feel like the next 40 minutes were a bit of a blur. I know that I was feeling intense contractions and KNEW I was in labor. I also knew that I was trying to hold it together, at one point, because Jillsie was sitting on the couch right next to me. I was also aware, soon after that moment, Jake took Jill's out to 'play' with some other nurses until my mom arrived. As Jake left, I remember thinking I just wanted it to all be over and cried to one of the nurses that I couldn't do 'this' anymore. A feeling that I have felt guilty about countless times since, because I feel like Anneliese arrived and passed away before I had processed that she was actually coming.
After this moment, it felt like everything sped up. Asking for an epidural again, getting my IV in and meds to help with pain, breathing through contractions, wishing it was over, and finally my water actually broke. At that moment it was like instant relief. Pain subsided and the anesthesiologist was brought in to finally do the epidural. My doctor left while I was getting ready for my epidural, we all thought things would slow down now. Anneliese, on the other hand, had her own plan. As I was getting prepped for the epidural my contractions came back immediately and were in full force. My back had been numbed and the epidural was about to be threaded and I knew we didn't have time. I told the anesthesiologist that we were done and I needed to push. It was the most intense pain I had ever experienced. I was terrified, tired emotionally and physically, and knew that we might have a lifeless little girl in our arms to say goodbye to soon. Every fear, crazy emotion and dread for that moment seemed to overwhelm me and I wondered if I could be strong enough to keep this up. And then, as if in an instant, she was here. The second she took a breath and was in my arms, all fear was replaced with the most intense peace and love. She was perfect! Just 62 minutes after being admitted to labor and delivery, we were holding her in our arms. At only 2lbs 2oz and 13 inches long, she was perfect. She was just like her big sister in the fact that she couldn't keep her tongue in her mouth, for being 9 weeks premature, she still had chubby little cheeks on her which we were so grateful for.
While the nurses finished up with me, Jake held Anneliese and sent one of the nurses out to get Jillian and my mom who were still in the waiting area. Just a few minutes later, Anneliese got to meet her big sister and grandma. We were perfectly calm, as Anneliese, 9 weeks premature, fought for every breath to spend 45 incredible minutes with us. It was so peaceful and calm. I don't know how else to describe it…it was everything the labor and delivery HADN'T been:) Suddenly, the pain was gone, and all that mattered in that moment was us being together as a family. I just wanted Jillian, Jake and Anneliese close to me, all together, celebrating this miracle together.
My dad arrived in time to see and hold Anneliese just as she took her final breath, just 45 minutes after taking her first.
Jake's parents arrived about 10 minutes later and were able to hold her little body, and still feel of the sweet peace she left with us.
This entire experience has strengthened our testimonies of Heavenly Father's love for us and his great plan of happiness of which we are all a part. We are so grateful, and humbled, by all of our family and friends who prayed diligently with us that we might be able to meet our Anneliese. Heavenly Father and Anneliese answered those prayers, and we felt Anneliese wanted us to feel of her love and gratitude. This little angel managed to not only survive a natural, breech delivery, but was strong enough to be with us as a family for 45 wonderful minutes!
Friday, January 24, 2014
Anneliese Audrey
Anneliese Audrey was eager to be a part of our family. She arrived 9 weeks premature at 6:38am yesterday morning, January 23rd, 2014. At 2 lbs 2 ounces and 13 inches long, she spoiled us by allowing us to snuggle her for 45 minutes before returning to her eternal home on the other side of the veil. We feel so grateful and blessed to have met her and felt of her sweet spirit. Our hearts are filled with gratitude toward our Savior for overcoming death that we might be reunited with her again someday. She was absolutely perfect in every way, and we are comforted by our faith and knowledge that children are perfected in Christ.
We will post her full birth story and arrival when we have had some time to digest all that we've experienced! We feel incredibly blessed and humbled having met her and welcomed her into our eternal family.
We will post her full birth story and arrival when we have had some time to digest all that we've experienced! We feel incredibly blessed and humbled having met her and welcomed her into our eternal family.
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