Vivienne's Journey

 About 2 weeks before Vivienne was released from the NICU,  I was watching a video that a friend had posted on Facebook.  It was a video of a family I had gone to school with and I knew the two older boys.

After watching it I thought it was cool that someone had found their story and made this video, but didn't think much about it until 2 days later when the Doctors told us about Vivienne's new trial and what it meant for our future.

I'm finally in a place where I can share what I wrote.

DAY 79

The last few days have been hard.  I've been so off lately.  I just want to be done. To be done worrying.  Be done getting bad news. Be done waiting.  To be whole and home.  I feel like we have been living moment to moment for so long.  It's been a long two years, and I really want a happy nice little "wrap up" to our struggles, but that seems to not be the plan.

Yesterday we were told that Vivienne has Auditory Neuropathy Spectrum Disorder (ANSD).  In a nutshell, her hearing is somewhat like an FM radio. . .coming in and out.  In essence, she doesn't hear right... or at all.   I'm so very tired and this news has been harder for me then I can even express.

 I've felt so alone, disconnected and exhausted through it all.  I have moments of hope and light at the end of the tunnel and then my tunnel collapses and I'm left digging my way out again.  I'm trying to have faith and hope, but feel like I'm constantly falling short of the strength I so desperately need.  Jake seems to be managing this a bit better.  He has a brighter hope and resolution of the future...I just feel deflated.  I'm tired. I want peace.  It hasn't come yet.  And maybe it's because of my lack of faith.  My lack of hope.  Maybe it's just another trial to overcome.  But I need peace now...whether I deserve it or not, I need good news. I know it sounds bad. And I wish I didn't feel it....but I do. But, right now, I'll just try to do this.  I'll try not to fall apart.  I'll try not to get angry.  I'll try not to feel as if I deserve anything.  I'll try to have hope that she will be in the small percentage of infants who seem to "outgrow" this disorder. We seem to be really good at landing in the group of small percentages.  I'll try to get sleep at night.  I'll try to smile and be ok. I'll try to be happy about the small successes.  I'll try not to worry about what else could possibly be coming our way.  I'll try to move forward.  I'll try to lean on others....since I am so very tired. 

I hesitate in publishing this...because it is me.  It's all of me.  It's my fears, frustrations and lack of understanding....for everyone to see.  But, this is for me.  For me to hopefully look back and see more clearly Gods hand in my life.  I am too close to see clearly now.  Even though I KNOW God has not left me to do this alone.  Not even for a second.  But, sometimes...I'm just too close to see.  So, for now, I'm trying to try....until I can see.


After the ENT Doctor finished giving me the results of her tests, I held Vivi and sobbed.  Why? How?   I had a lot of emotions flood my mind.  I was alone that day.  Jake was at work.  I yelled and sobbed at Heavenly Father to fix this as a drove down the main road away from the hospital.  I told Him I had done enough and He needed to fix this.  That I deserved this miracle. (Something I have apologized to Him for multiple times since.) As I came up over the hill to enter onto the freeway, tears running down my face, I was reminded of the Featherstone family.  I thought of the boys.  All they had accomplished.  I thought of the relationship between all of the brothers.   I thought of their Mom.  How did she do it?  I almost drove straight to their house.   But, instead I drove home in a heartbroken mess.  That night I showed my husband the video.  We both cried.  We cried because we knew Vivienne can still do ANYTHING she wants.  And we cried at the new challenges we thought this would bring.  The possible isolation and loneliness.  We told our families and I pretended to move forward.

The first month home was really hard.   Doctor appointments, hospital visits, shots, more tests. .. all this while telling others how relieved we were that it was "over", and knowing we had really just begun.  One day, maybe I will feel like it is important to share all we experienced that first month home, but for now, it was hard and I'm grateful its behind us.

 Just like with any obstacle or trial, it gets easier with time.  And time has passed and we've been able to see many 'hidden' blessings that we missed when we were too close to the heartache.   Once a week we have someone coming in and teaching us sign.  We LOVE signing together.  I can sign to Jillian that its time to go home from across the park, and right now she comes because I signed it to her.  It's like our family's secret language and we love it!  We've learned that we need to improve how we communicate.  We need to be better at making eye contact, not talking over each other and listening until a person is FINISHED talking.  We were very lazy communicators and its been a good thing for us to learn to improve in this area.   We've learned patience and a new way of dealing with hard things.  And I am so grateful that Heavenly Father has let me see this.

Because I'm not as close now. . . .I can see more.  I can see a glimpse of how amazing Heavenly Father has been to me.

I have recognized so many tender mercies that have helped me get through this crazy NICU journey and now Vivienne's new journey.  We still have hard days.  I don't think that will change.  I am grateful I know that hard days will come and that that is ok.  I'm grateful for Vivienne and her squeals, her babbling, her hand babbling, her incredible smiles, for the days her hearing is better and she responds to our voices and for the chance that I have to be a mom to such amazing girls.   I'm grateful for so many people wanting to support us by learning sign language and for the love that we are constantly being shown by friends, family, acquaintances and complete strangers.  I am so very grateful that I didn't give up on Heavenly Father.  That I was blessed to hold on long enough to see His hands in my life.  He is ALWAYS there.  We just need to pay attention.  I'm grateful for that and hope that I can pay attention when the next challenge comes our way!

Turning a corner and starting the "Glad Game!"

Today I feel so grateful.  Grateful for good doctors. Grateful for amazing nurses.  Grateful for loving family and friends. Grateful for a patient and loving Heavenly Father who loves me unconditionally.  And grateful, that over a year ago, I started writing this blog.  This last week, as I reread some of the things I wrote during our Anneliese experience, I felt like past Heidi served present Heidi a nice slice of humble pie.  For the past two weeks I had been feeling sorry for myself.  Dwelling on how hard this situation has been for us.  Living in my own pity-party....constantly.  Doing this got me pretty angry.  I started comparing my heartaches to others.  I felt guilty seeing people who thought I was being so strong, while on the inside I was raging about how unfair (I felt) life had been to me.  I  started comparing this NICU heartache to my experience with Anneliese.  And even though it was just a year ago, I started thinking that I handled my heartache and loss better with Anneliese.  I started thinking I wasn't as strong now as I was then. . .and that is why this NICU experience has been so hard.  But, that is why I am so grateful for this blog.  I decided to reread some of the posts I wrote before Anneliese was born.  As I read, I realized just what past Heidi would have given to have had the chance to be going back and forth to the NICU to see her little girl.  How would past Heidi, pregnant with a little girl she KNEW she would be saying goodbye to, have felt hearing present Heidi be so ungrateful for the many miracles that were happening.  That moment I decided to change. It never ceases to amaze me how easily we can lose sight of our blessings and how quickly our joy can be stripped away because of our own ingratitude. A dear friend shared a quote by Mark Twain last week that really helped me to turn that corner fully and find joy again, "Comparison is the death of joy." I was in shock with how much I had been comparing everything in my life.  I had even started comparing Vivienne's progress to the baby next to her who was born at the same age of gestation and was already in an open crib, was eating orally and seemed, from my perspective, to be progressing much faster than Vivienne.

That quote made me start thinking, I was killing my joy.  ME.  Comparison in my life and mind was destroying my joy! And not just my joy. . .my whole family was suffering because of this.  I came out of my own pity party and realized the damage comparison had caused.  Poor Jillsie was falling apart and Jake was trying so desperately to be positive for all of us that I could see the strain in every glance.  I started working on taking comparison out of my life and found that I kept thinking about the movie Pollyanna.  Do you remember that movie?  Well we borrowed it from my mom and started playing Pollyanna's "Glad Game" at home.  So, when we don't like a situation, instead of getting bugged or mad we think of something to be glad about.  :)  It might be cheesy. . .but it has worked WONDERS! Because we are recognizing the good again, this past week has really helped us to finally see our blessings and the progress that Vivienne is making personally.

Almost immediately we have noticed her growth and progress again. She is now in an open crib and maintaining her body heat perfectly! She has moved down from the high-flow cannula to the regular nasal cannula, she is down from 25% oxygen to 21-23% for the most part, and is down from 4 liters to half a liter which has allowed her to start oral feedings! She is now working with the occupational therapist and me every day to latch and eat on her own! On Sunday, she latched on within seconds and my bond with her has continued to strengthen more and more every day since then as her ability to eat on her own has developed more and more. She gets fatigued quickly and struggles breathing afterwards from all of the hard work, but this is her form of exercise right now and she has every reason to be exhausted after working so hard. Jake and I laughed about it the other day after walking the 4 small flights of stairs at the hospital and landing out of breath. We don't know if this is completely normal, but it made us feel better to think so:). Vivienne is such a little fighter and her personality is coming out the more she learns and grows.

She is not without a new set of struggles however. The fun roller coaster experience of the NICU. Each week we reprioritize our prayers for those things she needs to learn and develop so we can bring her home. This week's prayers are:

1) BREATHING. We pray she can continue to come down on her oxygen and breathe fully on her own. We would love her to come home without oxygen!
2) EYES. Vivienne's eye exam this week revealed that her eyes are now struggling from the constant oxygen she has been on these past 8 weeks, and her oxygen has increased again slightly because of her therapy in learning how to eat orally in mastering her suck, swallow, breathe reflexes.  She now has to get eye tests every week.  So, we need her eyes to develop properly with no long-term side-effects of her current ROP disease
3) HEART MURMUR. She still has a small heart murmur, which they will continue to monitor.  We pray it will close again completely and stay closed, so she wont need surgery
4) FEEDINGS.  She needs to master and tolerate her feeds orally and not have oxygen problems during or after.

The doctor told us today that if she can do 2 of these 4 things we will be able to bring her home! We joke as parents that "Home" is a four letter word the doctors NEVER use.  So for someone to EVER say "Home" IS HUGE! So, Yes...they used the "H" word and told us for the first time exactly what was needed for her to come home. There were no other "concerns" mentioned. When Vivienne's eyes look good and eats orally then she can come HOME! Her PDA can be monitored through regular checkups and is not bad enough to keep her at the hospital, since she can come home with oxygen if necessary. We just need her to grow and develop a little more and we can bring her home to meet her sister! There is much to be grateful for and we are excited that she is doing so well! We know she won't be home tomorrow, but we are hopeful it will be soon!

   

Vivi at 31 weeks

Vivienne will be one month old on Friday.  This whole experience has been crazy.  The roller coaster of emotions is insane.  Updates seem hard because they are CONSTANTLY changing.  One moment Vivienne is doing great and the next we have 6 new worries we didn't know even existed.  We used to say 'Today is a good day' or 'Today was rough', but we've discovered that it's more moments than days.  So for now, Vivienne is having a good moment.  And I am so VERY grateful for these moments!

Vivi's Update...for now :)
HEAD- Her head ultrasound went well and the bleeding they did see is small and raises no concerns for the Drs.
EYES- Vivienne's first eye exam was going to be yesterday but they pushed it back to next week so...one less thing to stress about for now;).
HEART-Vivienne had the heart ultrasound (echo) as well. It still showed the PDA murmur in her heart but it is small so they are seeing if it will close and stay closed on its own now. They hear it sometimes and other times they don't which means it is probably popping open every now and then. If it doesn't stay closed, most likely she'll need surgery. But, once again, a stress for a different day.  LUNGS- She is still on the high flow nasal cannula but they lowered the pressure from a 4 to a 3 and is in between 28%-37%.  She still has a lot of desats (where her oxygen saturation drops pretty low) but is having less brady cardias (where her heart rate drops because she's not breathing well).  We are praying lots for her lungs and heart to be healthy and strong. Her PDA does affect her lungs and whether the lungs will function to the best of their ability, so getting the murmur resolved quickly will help her so very much!
INTESTINES &FEEDS- She is doing pretty good on her feedings.  They did slow down the amount they usually increase her foods by, because she had a lot of food still in her stomach that she hadn't digested on a couple feeds.  So because of her NEC infection that she just fought off, they really want
 to take it slow so her intestines can handle it.  They also are trying to decrease the extra fluids in effort to keep the PDA in her heart closed.  But, once she gets up to full feeds they will stop the IV nutrition, take out her PICC line and add fortification to her milk to get her nice and chubby for us.

We are so grateful for each day with her and are so very ready to have the joy of bringing her home.  We know she is where she needs to be and pray that we can patiently endure this crazy roller coaster ride.

I have been reminded constantly of the MANY miracles along the way and have tried to focus on those so I don't drown myself in the 'whys' and 'if onlys'.  We have bad days and frustrating moments.  I cry a lot and feel sorry for myself even more.  I envy pregnant women who get to their last trimester and envy women carrying car seats with new little babies. It seems the heartache of infertility is very similar to leaving a baby in the NICU.  I get frustrated with myself for feeling this way and have
avoided seeing people who know me and know of our last two years of heartache as much as I can. After losing Anneliese, it took awhile to feel like I could have conversations with friends and neighbors without feeling like I was just putting on a happy front.  Now, I didnt prepare mentally for this.  I wasn't ready.  I wasn't ready for the mirrored sadness in others eyes.  I wasn't ready for such a hard heartache again.  I wasn't expecting to want to avoid everyone I know for fear they'd ask about how I was doing or how Vivi is doing?  Asking is definitely not bad...it's just that I'm scared to answer.  This is when the 'what ifs' come into play for me.  What if I run into someone at the store and fall apart as I'm grabbing a gallon of milk  and can't stop the sobs that come on a regular basis.  What if they ask a question that I haven't thought of yet and have a new worry.  What if it's a REALLY bad day.  What if I feel like I can't do one more day of this at the moment I see someone.  What if.

 So for now, I try hard to control my feelings in public so I can function. So I can be a mom that doesn't cry all the time.  It's been a hard two years and I pray Jillsie forgets how much I've cried.  I
know that if I can stop the tears long enough I will begin, once again, to see the many miracles and joys along the way.  The joys of stress free moments.  The joys of a smile from my girls. The joy of planning for Vivi to come home.  The joy in planning for Jillsie to meet her sweet little sister.  Jillian, Anneliese and Vivienne are AMAZING little girls and I'm SO GRATEFUL that I have been blessed to be their mom.  I have been taught so very much by each one already.  But the thing that they have taught me that has been the most valuable, is the glimpse of my Heavenly Fathers love for me and of my Saviors love for me.  God is aware of me personally.  The Savior knows my heartaches perfectly.  They have not left me alone.  And for that knowledge, I will be forever grateful that I am a mom to my girls!

Vivienne

Vivienne Update

She has a PICC line in her left arm now, and they took out the other central line IV and 2 other IVs (yep, every little limb, but one foot, had an IV)
Took out respirator and back on high flow nasal cannula(they tried to ween her down on the pressure because she kept high SATing but when they did she had a lot more Apnea and Brady cardia episodes. . .so for now she is staying at a 4 at 21%-24%)
Anderson tube is also out (which provided suction and vented belly) and OG tube in (vents belly)
Just finished Antibiotics for pneumatosis on Monday and closely watching belly for increased NEC signs or symptoms
Still NPO (no food-just IV nutrition)
DRs hoping she can tolerate feedings again starting today so she can start gaining weight and growing more
She has two heart murmurs and will be doing an echo today to check the heart more fully
She also has another head ultrasound today as well.

They allowed me to hold her on February 14...really hold and snuggle her against my chest for over an hour.  I finally felt that glimpse of being a mom to a newborn again.  It made saying goodbye that much harder and I fell apart on Sunday as we left the hospital.  I can honestly say I hate this.  Yes, I know that hate is a strong word. But, I hate leaving Vivienne.  I hate not knowing if she is truly doing ok.  I hate leaving Jillian.  I hate that this is stretching her at such a young age.  I really hate that she hasn't met her sister yet.  I can't wait for that day.  There is SO much about this NICU experience that I hate, but we have also experienced SO much love that it has truly humbled and lifted us.  I know I will never be able to thank everyone who is praying for our sweet little girl and our family.  I can't even begin to thank everyone for the love they have shown us.  We have been on the receiving end of so much service, generosity, and pure Christ-like love now for so very long that "Thank You" just seems SO inadequate.  I truly wish you could see in my heart so I could show you my gratitude.  It has been very humbling for me.  Thank you!  Thank you for the prayers on our behalf.  Thank you for your love.  Thank you for your friendships.  Thank you for the cards, gift cards, gifts, meals, service, love and your strength.  I hope one day I will be able to pay this forward. Thank you!

After fasting and prayer. . .Vivienne is defying the odds!

We are very humbled from the events of the last day. 24 hours ago we were rushing to the hospital thinking our non-responsive and lifeless little girl was going into surgery on her intestinal track to remove a dead section of her large intestine. Now, this morning, we are counting our blessings! The nurse practitioner called last night to tell us they had ordered another head ultrasound because Vivienne's eyes were dilated, with her left eye dilated more than the right. She was concerned that Vivienne was suffering from blood on the brain, but that it could also be a side-affect from the morphine they gave her prior to her transport to Primary Children's Hospital. This was at 6:18pm last night. Heidi and I hung up the phone and offered up a quick prayer that it would not be blood on the brain and within 10 minutes received a call back from the nurse saying that the imaging technician was already there and from the looks of it there was one small bleed, but that the dilated eyes were most definitely from the morphine ONLY, and the small bleed was nothing to be concerned about at the moment. She told us that the radiologist would review the film around 9pm and confirm her initial assessment. The nurse left a VM a few hours later that the radiologist agreed with the NP and all was well with Vivienne. Her lab tests continued to improve throughout the day yesterday and last night, and this morning we received a very positive report from the bedside nurse that Vivienne looks much better already, has gained 40 grams in the last day, and the antibiotics are clearing up the infection. They were taking x-rays every 4 hours the last couple of days to watch her bacterial infection, and based on the progress of the past 24 hours, they no longer feel they need to take any more x-rays today! 

Vivienne is responsive to the nurse this morning and doing and looking well. The nurse is optimistic that surgery will not be needed at this time, but the next 7 days will confirm that. When an episode of this magnitude occurs they have a policy to not allow us to hold her for 7-10 days, and they try to keep the incubator closed as much as possible except to change her diaper a few times a day along with take her temperature and do minimal cares. 

We cannot thank you enough for the combined faith and prayers of the past 24 hours. Together we have moved a mountain of sickness, doubt, fear and concern! God has heard and answered our prayers without delay! We are humbled by your faith and sacrifice on our family's behalf. She is responsive this morning, "Awake and alert" according to the nurse, which we have not seen or heard since Monday night. Today is a good day!

My brother, Rich reminded us of President Uchtdorf's talk where he taught that we cannot "See the End from the Beginning," and it was just what we needed to hear to help us regain a faithful and grateful heart in the face of adversity. For some reason, yet unknown, we have been given these trials and challenges at this time.  Hopefully some day we will be able to look back on this season of our lives and recognize the blessing these trials are for us to prepare us for that future day. To be honest we aren't there yet, but the events of the last 18 months of our lives have taught us that answers do eventually come when we are ready to receive them. We have been humbled by the immediate answers to our prayers today. We just hope the Refiner's fire will simply burn what logs he has already thrown on it at the moment, and that he is fresh out of fire wood for a while that it can cool down a bit;). Nevertheless...

We love you all! Thank you for following our story and praying with and for us! Thank you for your faith! Thank you! We could not do this without your support and faith! We are feeling sustained from moment to moment.

Our NICU Rainbow

A "Rainbow baby," is a baby that comes after a loss.

Since having, and saying goodbye to, our daughter Anneliese...I've struggled with the fact that often times lost babies are considered a dark storm in our lives.  In a lot of quotes or stories about rainbow babies it seems to refer to loss in such a negative way.  While it, and still is, hard...she is anything but a dark storm in our lives.  She brought rain.  I love the rain.  I love rain clouds.  I love the smell when it rains.  I love the comforting sound of rain.  I love the way everything is fresh after.  Rain brings and renews life.  Rain cleanses.  Rain changes a hot stuffy day to a refreshing one. Rain is a new start.  Rain helps produce beauty.  Anneliese is our rain.  She changed us.  She has brought a new perspective to our lives. She helped lift and renew us and so many around us.  She cleansed our hearts of many doubts and turned us to Our loving Heavenly Father and Savior.  She brought hope and new knowledge. She gave our lives so much beauty, love and peace.  She helped anchor our family to Our Savior more fully than ANYTHING else could have.  She was our renewing rain and she prepared the way for a beautiful rainbow.

Vivienne is our rainbow.  A rainbow that I am aching to see completely.  A rainbow that I want more than anything to be full and perfect and arch all the way across the sky. I want to see all of the glorious colors and enjoy all of her beauty. I want the Sun to come out and shine fully so I can truly enjoy this sweet rainbow.  But, for now, I only see a little glimpse.

I love visiting her. She truly is amazing and brightens my day.
Her Dr told us this morning that he hopes to take her off of the CPAP early next week as she is already breathing on her own mostly!

I got to comfort her this morning during her cares prior to them drawing blood for her labs. She weighs 2 lbs now and is eating 7ml every 3 hours. She is digesting her food well and tolerating her feedings! I have been so blessed to produce plenty of milk for her to begin her feedings while here at the hospital so her immune system can be strengthened and hopefully she starts gaining weight in the next few days. 

I get released from the hospital this afternoon...and I know the heartache of leaving with your arms empty and aching for your child.  I know what emotions are coming today...and I don't want them again. I don't want to leave empty handed again.  I don't want to explain to Jillsie that what we told her a few months ago, about how we would get to bring this little sister home with us, is not yet happening, but hopefully soon.  I don't want to explain to others how Vivienne is doing when I, with my limited understanding of it all, have no idea myself.  I don't want to drive back and forth from the hospital everyday.  I don't want to wait 14 weeks to bring her home.  I don't want the stress of wondering if Vivienne will be a full functioning child or not.  And so, you get to see ALL of my craziness.  I'm letting you see me.  Because even through all of the things I don't want to do, experiences I don't want  to experience or have as my trial...I still am anchored to my Savior because of the beautiful rain I experienced before.  I know that no matter how much of Vivienne's rainbow we get to experience or if the rainbow is complete or not, we will still have a loving Heavenly Father and Savior who are constant!  They are always there and waiting for us...no matter what!  My hope is that, once again, I can learn to turn to The Lord completely and trust in His timing, and His will for our family.  He helped me enjoy the rain, and I KNOW that He can help me enjoy every aspect of this sweet rainbow!

-Heidi

Introducing Vivienne...Jillian & Anneliese are big sisters!

Well, we're back at the hospital this week after a surprise labor and delivery of another beautiful baby girl. I thought it best to try and get my thoughts on paper as Heidi rests from the events of the last 36 hours. And, since I haven't written my perspective of our family's events recently, I hope I can do our miracles justice as I attempt to document these events.

Our 3rd daughter, Vivienne, came into the world 14 weeks premature at only 26 weeks and 6 days to make Anneliese a big sister only 1 year and 4 days after her own arrival into our family.

We celebrated the 1 year anniversary of Anneliese joining our family on Friday by spending time together. Heidi had been sore in her hips and back, so we kept Anneliese's celebration very intimate and simple with just the three of us. We spent some time at the cemetery launching off some balloons and singing happy birthday to her in the morning on Friday, and then headed to Salt Lake to stay a night at a hotel and go swimming and get some much needed R&R away from our normal day to day routine. We went to dinner and a movie in Salt Lake and then slept in on Saturday. We felt like it was a perfect day to just remember our sweet Anneliese away from the distractions of our normal routine.

We chalked up Heidi's soreness from the weekend to walking around the stores and sleeping on a hard hotel bed with a growing belly. Sunday brought more discomfort and we still thought it was just our little one growing and causing Heidi's hips to expand and be sore, which it turns out, was absolutely correct. I went to work early on Tuesday to catch up from taking Friday off and around 9am Heidi called me to tell me she was still in pain and had started spotting again(which has happened nearly every month of this pregnancy) and was waiting to hear back from the doctor to see if we needed to go in for a checkup. I normally let her calls go to VM when I am in meetings, but felt I should take the call. About 45 minutes later, she called me again while I was in yet another meeting, and I tried to send her an auto-reply text but for some reason it would not send, so I excused myself from the meeting and answered her call. I am glad I did. She asked if I could go home to give her a priesthood blessing. When I asked her if she could hold out until lunch time, she quickly replied that she felt like she was in labor and it couldn't wait. In my logical mind I thought, "She's only 26 weeks along; she couldn't be in labor yet.  It's probably braxton hicks and she is just tired and sore. I'll run home quickly now and work through lunch when I get back." Before I realized what I was doing, I had unplugged my laptop, packed it and my charger in my briefcase, turned out the lights to my office and was out the door knowing I would not be back to work.

When I got home Heidi still had not heard back from the doctor or nurse on call. She asked for another priesthood blessing as we awaited the call(I had just given her a blessing the night before), and I pronounced yet another blessing upon her at that time. About 15 minutes later, at about 10:45, the doctor on call called us back, asked a few questions, and instructed us to get in the car and drive straight to labor and delivery for observation. As Heidi coordinated a babysitter for our 5 year old daughter, I packed a bag. In my mind I knew we were having this baby, but I felt like that was a lack of faith to believe that, as I had just blessed her that she and the baby were completely healthy and this pregnancy was still going as planned. I felt as if I had lost my faith as I packed pajamas, extra underwear and clothes, and our toothbrushes for an overnight stay at the hospital, but felt so strongly that we should be prepared for all scenarios due to our past experience with Anneliese. As we backed out of the driveway, again I was prompted to stop and run back in the house. I didn't know why, but I followed the prompting and as I ran back in the door I saw the camera case hanging in the mudroom and the camera on the kitchen counter plugged in and fully charged. I grabbed the case, threw the camera in and ran back out to the car. As I placed it in the backseat, Heidi looked at me with an expression that told me she was feeling the same things I was. Jillian asked, "Is my baby sister coming today?" We told her to pray hard that she wouldn't come yet, but that we wanted to make sure we had the camera just in case she decided to come early like her older sister.

After dropping Jillian at a family member's, we sped down the canyon and arrived at the hospital at about 11:45.  Heidi was admitted into Labor and Delivery, screened by the RN and answering questions from the midwife by about 12:10pm. The midwife ordered an exam to check the bleeding and see if it would reveal what was going on since Heidi explained that she wasn't really in pain, but rather, "Consistently uncomfortable with a dull ache." About 10 minutes later the midwife was in the middle of her exam and said she could see the sac bulging about to burst so she thought she was already dilated to 7 or 8 and wanted to quickly confirm that. Within another minute she confirmed Heidi was already at a 9!

Within another few minutes we had a team of about 10 nurses and doctors moving me out of the way, injecting Heidi with all sorts of needles,  and prepping her for a C-section because a quick ultra-sound confirmed the baby was breech and could not be delivered vaginally. I tried to be strong for Heidi but couldn't hold back the tears from welling up in my eyes. Heidi was able to look through the chaos as they started rolling her out of the room, and we connected for just long enough to mouth the words, "I love you," right before she disappeared out the door and down the hall. A couple of AMAZING nurses pulled me aside and handed me a stack of scrubs and reassured me they would do all they could for my wife and baby, and now I needed to quickly get dressed and wait for a nurse to escort me to the recovery room before scrubbing in to enter the OR.

I waited for about 20 minutes in the recovery room where I sent out a desperation text to family pleading with them to pray for my family's safety and personal strength that I would need to be there for Heidi and my girls as we entered the unknown. Immediately my phone started buzzing with countless replies that prayers were on their way. I couldn't bring myself to read them all because each time I read one I would cry harder with gratitude for the outpouring of love I was feeling, and I knew I needed to be strong for Heidi when I entered the OR.  I collapsed to my knees and pleaded with God to protect and sustain my wife and daughter, and that the team of doctors and nurses would be in sync and have no contention or unkind feelings toward one another so they would be able to recall all of their training to do their absolute best for my wife and daughter. As I rose to my feet I remembered a talk given by President Henry B Eyring that he gave to a group of missionaries in the MTC years ago where he testified of the Book of Mormon's ability to calm one's fears and anxiety's by simply reading from it's pages. I opened my LDS scriptures APP on my phone and skipped to 2nd Nephi chapter 2 and started reading. Immediately my fears and anxiety was replaced with peace, strength and love. After a few minutes in chapter 2 I skipped to my favorite chapter, 2nd Nephi 9 and read verses 10-13. I was terrified I would lose the love of my life and my mind was racing through every worst case scenario I could think of at the time. These verses had never before brought so much peace and gratitude for my Savior, and it was exactly what I needed at that time to settle my nerves and bring peace to my anxiety and fears.

Right as I finished reading verse 13, the nurse popped into the room to take me back to Heidi. She led me to an empty OR and left me there for 5 minutes alone until another nurse came running in and said, "You're in the wrong place Dad. Follow me or you're gonna miss it." Within seconds I was with Heidi who was already on the operating table and half cut open. Vivienne, our newest addition to our family, was quickly pulled out moments later and was rushed to the Newborn Intensive Care Unit and Heidi and I were left wondering what would happen next. It seemed like forever in recovery with our RN, Sue. She was amazing at keeping us positive and distracted while waiting for news to come from the NICU.

About an hour or so after arriving in Recovery, we still didn't know anything about our baby girl. By then we had all 4 of our parents and a sister all waiting with us for an update. Finally, Sue came in and said, "Ok, Dad let's go see your baby. You can bring only 1 person with you. Sorry Mom you can't go yet." I kissed Heidi, grabbed her mom who was with us when we had Anneliese last year, and off we went.

The rest of the day was back and forth to the NICU with Heidi and the visitors. It all became a blur of time that was overshadowed by questions left unanswered with each visit. Late last night, Heidi's Dad and I were finally able to give Vivienne a blessing of health which was both comforting to us and needed for her. We didn't sleep a wink last night and today has now been filled with countless visits to the NICU, and even the ability to touch and hold her within the incubator to change her diaper and take her temperature.  Many questions have been answered, but more flow into our minds with each visit. Once again we are striving to put all of our faith in the Lord as there are many things outside of our control.

I know God hears and answers prayers and his scriptures can bring peace to our souls in times of distress and uncertainty. Too often we look to all the wrong places for strength and answers, but yesterday reiterated to me once again, that the best way to cope with our trials is to be obedient to his commandments and follow the counsel given by His holy Prophets: Pray always, study the life and testimonies of the Savior, and put your trust in God. He is in charge, and He will direct our paths if we can but learn from our experiences to submit to His will in all things. There is a long road ahead, and I write this more to remind myself in moments of weakness that I know these things to be true, and to redirect my paths in those future moments of uncertainty where Satan will try his best to make me forget the wondrous miracles of the past 36 hours. Never lose faith in He who hath created you!

"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to an all-knowing God." -Corrie Ten Boom

 6 years ago, at the peak of our infertility battle as a couple, I never thought I would say, "I have 3 daughters." The Lord truly does hear and answer prayers, and for that I am both humbled and grateful.

For those reading this who are praying on Vivienne's behalf, we would ask that you please pray specifically that her lungs can stay strong as she is already off of the ventilator and breathing with limited to no oxygen; and that the rest of her underdeveloped body will be able to grow and develop in a way that she will have no long-term limitations or impairments, that she can lead a healthy and active life. We love you and are so grateful for your love, support and prayers on our behalf.

-Jake

 Vivienne weighed in at 2 lbs 6oz (no length on record yet)