Our NICU Rainbow

A "Rainbow baby," is a baby that comes after a loss.

Since having, and saying goodbye to, our daughter Anneliese...I've struggled with the fact that often times lost babies are considered a dark storm in our lives.  In a lot of quotes or stories about rainbow babies it seems to refer to loss in such a negative way.  While it, and still is, hard...she is anything but a dark storm in our lives.  She brought rain.  I love the rain.  I love rain clouds.  I love the smell when it rains.  I love the comforting sound of rain.  I love the way everything is fresh after.  Rain brings and renews life.  Rain cleanses.  Rain changes a hot stuffy day to a refreshing one. Rain is a new start.  Rain helps produce beauty.  Anneliese is our rain.  She changed us.  She has brought a new perspective to our lives. She helped lift and renew us and so many around us.  She cleansed our hearts of many doubts and turned us to Our loving Heavenly Father and Savior.  She brought hope and new knowledge. She gave our lives so much beauty, love and peace.  She helped anchor our family to Our Savior more fully than ANYTHING else could have.  She was our renewing rain and she prepared the way for a beautiful rainbow.

Vivienne is our rainbow.  A rainbow that I am aching to see completely.  A rainbow that I want more than anything to be full and perfect and arch all the way across the sky. I want to see all of the glorious colors and enjoy all of her beauty. I want the Sun to come out and shine fully so I can truly enjoy this sweet rainbow.  But, for now, I only see a little glimpse.

I love visiting her. She truly is amazing and brightens my day.
Her Dr told us this morning that he hopes to take her off of the CPAP early next week as she is already breathing on her own mostly!

I got to comfort her this morning during her cares prior to them drawing blood for her labs. She weighs 2 lbs now and is eating 7ml every 3 hours. She is digesting her food well and tolerating her feedings! I have been so blessed to produce plenty of milk for her to begin her feedings while here at the hospital so her immune system can be strengthened and hopefully she starts gaining weight in the next few days. 

I get released from the hospital this afternoon...and I know the heartache of leaving with your arms empty and aching for your child.  I know what emotions are coming today...and I don't want them again. I don't want to leave empty handed again.  I don't want to explain to Jillsie that what we told her a few months ago, about how we would get to bring this little sister home with us, is not yet happening, but hopefully soon.  I don't want to explain to others how Vivienne is doing when I, with my limited understanding of it all, have no idea myself.  I don't want to drive back and forth from the hospital everyday.  I don't want to wait 14 weeks to bring her home.  I don't want the stress of wondering if Vivienne will be a full functioning child or not.  And so, you get to see ALL of my craziness.  I'm letting you see me.  Because even through all of the things I don't want to do, experiences I don't want  to experience or have as my trial...I still am anchored to my Savior because of the beautiful rain I experienced before.  I know that no matter how much of Vivienne's rainbow we get to experience or if the rainbow is complete or not, we will still have a loving Heavenly Father and Savior who are constant!  They are always there and waiting for us...no matter what!  My hope is that, once again, I can learn to turn to The Lord completely and trust in His timing, and His will for our family.  He helped me enjoy the rain, and I KNOW that He can help me enjoy every aspect of this sweet rainbow!

-Heidi