Waiting

2 months.  Its been a rough 2 months. I've been realizing, once again, the pain of waiting.  Waiting.  Some days it feels like that is all we do. . . wait.  I am starting to realize just how much I hate waiting.   Waiting to bring babies into our family has been a HUGE part of our marriage.  And with the ache of losing Anneliese and now knowing the waiting part is around again. . . its exhausting.  I don't sleep much and seem to cry a lot more.  The last 2 weeks I've felt frustrations about waiting again boil up inside of me to the point where I feel as if I might burst if I am asked to wait a moment longer.  

My frustrations have stemmed a vicious mind battle that has been going on now for a month.  How long will I have to wait this time?  Did we not handle our experience with enough faith?  Will I be strong enough to wait?  What if I can't wait?  After the trial comes the blessing right?  Please end this trial! This battle has been raging. . . I have let it rage. . . for awhile now.   And I am just ready to rest.

  A few weeks ago we went to our infertilty clinic for a consultation. We had 4 embryos to freeze after our first round of invitro and were grateful we had the option of going through another round of treatments.  Our Doctor expressed his sympathy and asked us what we wanted to do next.  We wanted to get pregnant, and have a healthy baby come home with us.  We chatted about a plan and all of our possible options, and if our OBGYN gave the infertility doctors the green light then we could move forward with a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) soon.  We went in expecting to feel excitement and hope, but we didn't.  It didn't feel right to move forward with any treatments right now.  The questions began again for me and the mind battle started.  WHY?

Why do we have to wait AGAIN?  

 I have been praying a lot.  Praying for understanding.  Praying for more children.  Praying for peace, for strength, for the ability to endure well the challenges ahead.  I also re-read all of my posts and wondered if I was still the same girl who just wrote all of the past posts about faith, hope and trusting in the Lords timetable.  After all of the many blessings, sacred experiences, and moments of intensley personal peace and love from My Heavenly Father then; why can't I trust that He is doing what is BEST for me now?  Did I not just learn the importance of turning our burdens over to Our Savior?  Why am I struggling SO much now?  Especially when I know that Heavenly Father is very much aware of ME and of MY situation. I know good things are ahead for our family.  And I pray that I can accept the will of my loving Heavenly Father. . . especially if the answer is. . . wait.    

    

How?

I've been thinking a lot about the word 'how' lately.  'How' has been used a lot in so many of our conversations.  How are you doing?  I don't know how you are doing this.  How is the recovering going?  How are you so strong?  How did this happen?   How can we help?  A lot of the questions, comments, and conversations have included the word 'how' in some way or another.  And so, as I have thought about MY 'hows', I feel very grateful for my struggle of infertility after having Jillian.

In the summer of 2012, I fell apart.  I had been aching quite intensely since the fall of 2011 to be pregnant again and really struggled watching others around me have children.  That summer the ache and want encompassed me.  I felt I had been faithful and had waited long enough.  I had already suffered through this trial...so where was MY blessing?  Why wasn't it happening?  Was I not faithful enough?  With enough faith you can move mountains, right?   It didn't happen.  I REALLY struggled!  I was mad and angry.  My faith was being tested.  I became very cynical and pessimistic about life, faith and God.  I asked Jake for, yet another, priesthood blessing and hoped that I would finally get an answer to my unanswered questions about our infertility.  That night changed me.  The blessing didn't help in the way I thought it would. I didn't get an answer to my questions of 'why?', I didn't get the peace I was searching for, and I didn't get any NEW information on our situation and what we should do.  But, looking back, I can see how that blessing changed my course from turning away from God and turning to Him with more dedication than ever before.  Don't get me wrong, after the blessing I was mad.  I didn't get up with a renewed sense of purpose or a peaceful feeling to turn my burden over to the Lord.  Because of how far I had let my doubts and worries take me, all I did was ask a lot of angry questions.  Was 'be patient' really the only guidance I'd get? Was God even real?  Is this life all just a big hoax?  That night after spending a long evening crying. . .I felt scared.  Did I have a testimony of my Heavenly Father? How did I get to such a dark and lonely place?  How do I get back out?  I knew Heavenly Father had answered my prayers before. . .I HAD JILLSIE!  How did I forget so quickly that Heavenly Father had touched and blessed our lives in such an AMAZING way?   How had I been so quick to let Satan in and twist my life upside down?  How?  

Its like I finally realized that I had let Satan mess with me for FAR TOO LONG!  And I was DONE!  Either God was real or He wasn't. . .and I KNEW He was.  I didn't know Him well at that point in my life. . .but, the desire to know Him better, helped me make a decision.   I decided to fight back!  I was not going to be dragged down to a miserable state any longer!  I wanted and needed to FEEL of God's love again.  It was hard.  I had to fight back thoughts that I had focused on for a long time.  I read my scriptures, and a lot of conference talks.  I started exercising more and focusing and being healthy in every aspect of my life.  We wanted to do everything we could to have a baby again.  We looked into fertility treatments, talked about adoption.  That is what we did before getting pregnant with Jillsie and so we decided we should do it again.  Maybe we'd be blessed with another little one. . naturally.  But, if not, we were finally moving forward.  By the fall of 2012 I started to feel a little bit more like the girl I knew I was. We moved forward with more fertility testing and tried to make a decision if we should do invitro or not.  We prayed to know if we could try invitro and if that was right for us.  We never felt a negative feeling about invitro. And so, we continued to move forward and knew that Heavenly Father would tell us 'NO' if we needed to stop.   We started to think that maybe Jillian would be the only child we would have naturally and that all of our others would come through IVF.  I once again thought that maybe this would be the end of my infertility worries.  We at least had a plan to bring another baby home.

We then got pregnant with Anneliese.

During the pregnancy, we still struggled a lot with sadness and letting go of Anneliese and the fact that we still wouldn't have another baby in our home, and the unknown of being able to conceive again. We feel like Anneliese helped us become more anchored in the gospel of Jesus Christ.  We prayed more fervently.  We tried to learn and know of Heavenly Father's will and DO IT.  Our relationship with our Heavenly Father and our Savior deepened and grew.  How could I not turn to the Lord?  I have felt the true JOY of opposition in all things!  I had gone the year before through the heartache and anger of going through a trial WITHOUT turning to the Lord.  Without trying to understand HIS plan and wanting to force MY plan.  Without peace.  I KNEW I couldn't and didn't want to do that again!!  I KNEW the darkness, emptiness and loneliness of doing it MY way.  And I would NOT do it again!  Looking back, we felt more love, more peace, and more goodness throughout this journey but it has also been the hardest time in our lives. 



This week is hard.  This month is going to be hard.  We were scheduled to deliver Anneliese on March 6.  And had Anneliese not been diagnosed with Anencephaly, her due date was March 29.  I should still be pregnant.   The last few days I have struggled.  I've cried a lot.  Felt a bit more on edge, emotional and irritated about our situation.  And asked myself, ' HOW are we going to get through this week, month, year?'.  But in asking that question today, Heavenly Father continues to amaze me!  A text from a close friend who is just thinking about me.  A phone call from another who let me cry and unload to her.  And as I sat, still feeling like everyone else gets to move on with their lives, while we are reliving it all over again this month; there was a knock on my door from a sister in our ward.  A girl I don't know very well yet, but she was thinking about me and left me with a card and loaf of bread.  Heavenly Father is VERY aware of us!  And there are truly angels among us.

I am so grateful for the love that we can feel if we turn to the Lord and let Him into our lives. I feel truly humbled by all the Lord has taught and continues to teach us through our sweet experiences with Anneliese! It is through him that we know "How" to move forward.

Balloon Launch

While pregnant with Anneliese we did a lot of studying and found a quote that reminded us and taught us even more of the incredible gift of our physical bodies:

“The body that has been given to us was for the purpose of allowing the spirit to exalt itself to a nobler condition. The lightning that is seen flashing from cloud to cloud, from mountain top to mountain top, is an electrical force that may tear down buildings, set fire to property, and destroy life. Conduct electricity through the dynamo wire, and motor, and behold its wonderful results working for the service of man, accomplishing something under the control of a physical instrument, it thus becomes a power for good. So with steam, if allowed to evaporate freely it does little good, but restrain it in the boiler, send it through the engine, and under its power you may travel across the continent or sail from shore to shore. And so, too, with this highest, most potent of all spiritual forces, the intelligence that is in man; enshrine it in a spiritual body, that it may have the experiences of spiritual life; and then give it a physical body, that it may enter into and obtain the joy and experiences of physical life, and you have enlarged its powers immeasurably” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1912, 107). 
- Melvin J. Ballard

After reading this, we decided it would brighten up the day of the funeral to do a balloon launch at the cemetery and participate in Anneliese's party(that we were certain she was throwing in heaven for finally receiving her own body:).

Display Table at the Funeral Service

Jillian was the first to send her balloon up

As Jillsie watched the balloons go, she happily said, "Have a fun party!"

 Utah

When our friends who live in Boston heard about the balloon launch, they decided to hold a family home evening that night where they would teach their 4 children about the importance of receiving a body as part of Heavenly Father's plan, and then launch their own balloons to celebrate their own bodies. We shared this idea with our other friends and family. That night we received a bunch of pictures from family and friends who did the same...

 Massachusetts

 Washington

 North Carolina

Washington

Washington

 Minnesota

Our old neighbors had a clever idea to celebrate in another way by making homemade pillows

Georgia

When it was all said and done we felt so happy for our little angel. In 45 short minutes she was able to touch so many lives, and we will forever keep her memory close to our hearts. She has an eternal mission and only needed a short time with us to bless our lives to the fullest. We can't wait to be reunited with her again someday through the grace and blessings of the the Atonement of Christ.  Thank you all for helping us celebrate with her:)

Anneliese's Video

My sister and brother-in-law put together an amazing video of our journey with Anneliese.  It has brought so much comfort and joy.  We have watched and re-watched it so many times!  I am so grateful for them! It was created in a format that blogspot.com doesn't support, so you can try to watch it here.

Our Family

While pregnant with Anneliese we really wanted to take some family pictures.  We had them scheduled for January 25 and Anneliese came on the 23rd.  So we decided to take an Anneliese photo shoot a week or so later.  Here are a few of our favorites.