As the days have gone on, I feel like I have had to remind myself over and over that I did have another little girl. The ache in my arms and heart seem to be so overwhelming at times that I feel as if I'm losing my mind. And then I say quietly to myself, 'I had a little girl, her name is Anneliese, she needed a body, and is now with Our Heavenly Father.' The joy and peace spreads inside me-sometimes in a wave that is all encompassing and other times it spreads slowly and I know that I can make it through that moment because of the love from our Heavenly Father! She came and went so quickly. Jake and I felt like we had just gotten used to the fact that we wouldn't have her with us for long that it's been hard to realize it's all over...that she was real, that I actually held her, that she is ours forever. It wasn't a dream. She is real! Happy 1st week in Heaven Anneliese!
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Anneliese...she is real.
As the days have gone on, I feel like I have had to remind myself over and over that I did have another little girl. The ache in my arms and heart seem to be so overwhelming at times that I feel as if I'm losing my mind. And then I say quietly to myself, 'I had a little girl, her name is Anneliese, she needed a body, and is now with Our Heavenly Father.' The joy and peace spreads inside me-sometimes in a wave that is all encompassing and other times it spreads slowly and I know that I can make it through that moment because of the love from our Heavenly Father! She came and went so quickly. Jake and I felt like we had just gotten used to the fact that we wouldn't have her with us for long that it's been hard to realize it's all over...that she was real, that I actually held her, that she is ours forever. It wasn't a dream. She is real! Happy 1st week in Heaven Anneliese!
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Anneliese's Arrival
As I sit and prepare to write this I am filled with so much love and joy! I'm so very grateful for my little Anneliese and for the joy I feel as I think about her! I feel so very grateful for Jake and all he truly went through that night for us! I'm so very blessed to have such an amazing husband! I'm also so very grateful for Jillian and our parents and the love that encompassed us all that day!! Heaven has never felt closer!
I had gone to bed on January 22, my stomach felt tight and uncomfortable, but this was not an uncommon thing so I definitely didn't plan on her arriving the next morning! At about 3:40a.m. on January 23, I woke up feeling very uncomfortable and wondered if I had slept wrong. I got up to check on Jillsie, and as I got back into bed I realized that the discomfort I woke up with was increasing in intensity. I tried to fall back asleep for about 5 minutes but ended up waking Jake feeling very nervous that the pain wasn't going away. I had convinced myself that it wasn't contractions while my very wise husband started monitoring the "pain" I was feeling. We spent the next 20-30 minutes trying multiple different things to hopefully stop the pain, while Jake continued to monitor my contractions which were coming every 3-5 minutes and lasting anywhere from 30-60 seconds. Jake gave me a quick blessing, in between contractions, and I felt that everything would be OK. It was around 4:40am. that we noticed I was spotting and decided it was time to call the doctor. The doctor on call said he wanted me to come in. Honestly, I was still thinking that we would go in and they would say it was a false alarm and we'd come back home. Yup, complete denial on my part.
Jake quickly got together things for us all and got Jill's in her coat and shoes while I sat in a panicked and dazed pain, and accomplished walking to the car! :). We had to deliver at a hospital about 50 minute away because it was a high risk pregnancy. So, as we pulled out of our neighborhood behind a state trooper and pulled up alongside him at the stoplight, Jake rolled down the window to get his attention and said, "My wife is in labor and we have to deliver an hour away at the hospital, do you provide escorts?" The trooper said, "We don't provide escorts…just drive safe." Jake drove faster than he should have to get us to the hospital in record time! 28 minutes!! (Of which I am very grateful for at the time:) I'm sure that Anneliese rounded up ridiculous amounts of angels to get us to the hospital safely! :)
We pulled up to the Emergency Room valet, which was closed, unloaded, left the car running and had the quick check-in at 5:36a.m. We were quickly wheeled up to our room in labor and delivery. My Doctor happened to be there for another delivery and so she helped us through most of this process which was such a blessing. I feel like the next 40 minutes were a bit of a blur. I know that I was feeling intense contractions and KNEW I was in labor. I also knew that I was trying to hold it together, at one point, because Jillsie was sitting on the couch right next to me. I was also aware, soon after that moment, Jake took Jill's out to 'play' with some other nurses until my mom arrived. As Jake left, I remember thinking I just wanted it to all be over and cried to one of the nurses that I couldn't do 'this' anymore. A feeling that I have felt guilty about countless times since, because I feel like Anneliese arrived and passed away before I had processed that she was actually coming.
After this moment, it felt like everything sped up. Asking for an epidural again, getting my IV in and meds to help with pain, breathing through contractions, wishing it was over, and finally my water actually broke. At that moment it was like instant relief. Pain subsided and the anesthesiologist was brought in to finally do the epidural. My doctor left while I was getting ready for my epidural, we all thought things would slow down now. Anneliese, on the other hand, had her own plan. As I was getting prepped for the epidural my contractions came back immediately and were in full force. My back had been numbed and the epidural was about to be threaded and I knew we didn't have time. I told the anesthesiologist that we were done and I needed to push. It was the most intense pain I had ever experienced. I was terrified, tired emotionally and physically, and knew that we might have a lifeless little girl in our arms to say goodbye to soon. Every fear, crazy emotion and dread for that moment seemed to overwhelm me and I wondered if I could be strong enough to keep this up. And then, as if in an instant, she was here. The second she took a breath and was in my arms, all fear was replaced with the most intense peace and love. She was perfect! Just 62 minutes after being admitted to labor and delivery, we were holding her in our arms. At only 2lbs 2oz and 13 inches long, she was perfect. She was just like her big sister in the fact that she couldn't keep her tongue in her mouth, for being 9 weeks premature, she still had chubby little cheeks on her which we were so grateful for.
.JPG)
While the nurses finished up with me, Jake held Anneliese and sent one of the nurses out to get Jillian and my mom who were still in the waiting area. Just a few minutes later, Anneliese got to meet her big sister and grandma. We were perfectly calm, as Anneliese, 9 weeks premature, fought for every breath to spend 45 incredible minutes with us. It was so peaceful and calm. I don't know how else to describe it…it was everything the labor and delivery HADN'T been:) Suddenly, the pain was gone, and all that mattered in that moment was us being together as a family. I just wanted Jillian, Jake and Anneliese close to me, all together, celebrating this miracle together.
.JPG)
My dad arrived in time to see and hold Anneliese just as she took her final breath, just 45 minutes after taking her first.
.JPG)
.JPG)
Jake's parents arrived about 10 minutes later and were able to hold her little body, and still feel of the sweet peace she left with us.
.JPG)
.JPG)
This entire experience has strengthened our testimonies of Heavenly Father's love for us and his great plan of happiness of which we are all a part. We are so grateful, and humbled, by all of our family and friends who prayed diligently with us that we might be able to meet our Anneliese. Heavenly Father and Anneliese answered those prayers, and we felt Anneliese wanted us to feel of her love and gratitude. This little angel managed to not only survive a natural, breech delivery, but was strong enough to be with us as a family for 45 wonderful minutes!
I had gone to bed on January 22, my stomach felt tight and uncomfortable, but this was not an uncommon thing so I definitely didn't plan on her arriving the next morning! At about 3:40a.m. on January 23, I woke up feeling very uncomfortable and wondered if I had slept wrong. I got up to check on Jillsie, and as I got back into bed I realized that the discomfort I woke up with was increasing in intensity. I tried to fall back asleep for about 5 minutes but ended up waking Jake feeling very nervous that the pain wasn't going away. I had convinced myself that it wasn't contractions while my very wise husband started monitoring the "pain" I was feeling. We spent the next 20-30 minutes trying multiple different things to hopefully stop the pain, while Jake continued to monitor my contractions which were coming every 3-5 minutes and lasting anywhere from 30-60 seconds. Jake gave me a quick blessing, in between contractions, and I felt that everything would be OK. It was around 4:40am. that we noticed I was spotting and decided it was time to call the doctor. The doctor on call said he wanted me to come in. Honestly, I was still thinking that we would go in and they would say it was a false alarm and we'd come back home. Yup, complete denial on my part.
Jake quickly got together things for us all and got Jill's in her coat and shoes while I sat in a panicked and dazed pain, and accomplished walking to the car! :). We had to deliver at a hospital about 50 minute away because it was a high risk pregnancy. So, as we pulled out of our neighborhood behind a state trooper and pulled up alongside him at the stoplight, Jake rolled down the window to get his attention and said, "My wife is in labor and we have to deliver an hour away at the hospital, do you provide escorts?" The trooper said, "We don't provide escorts…just drive safe." Jake drove faster than he should have to get us to the hospital in record time! 28 minutes!! (Of which I am very grateful for at the time:) I'm sure that Anneliese rounded up ridiculous amounts of angels to get us to the hospital safely! :)
We pulled up to the Emergency Room valet, which was closed, unloaded, left the car running and had the quick check-in at 5:36a.m. We were quickly wheeled up to our room in labor and delivery. My Doctor happened to be there for another delivery and so she helped us through most of this process which was such a blessing. I feel like the next 40 minutes were a bit of a blur. I know that I was feeling intense contractions and KNEW I was in labor. I also knew that I was trying to hold it together, at one point, because Jillsie was sitting on the couch right next to me. I was also aware, soon after that moment, Jake took Jill's out to 'play' with some other nurses until my mom arrived. As Jake left, I remember thinking I just wanted it to all be over and cried to one of the nurses that I couldn't do 'this' anymore. A feeling that I have felt guilty about countless times since, because I feel like Anneliese arrived and passed away before I had processed that she was actually coming.
After this moment, it felt like everything sped up. Asking for an epidural again, getting my IV in and meds to help with pain, breathing through contractions, wishing it was over, and finally my water actually broke. At that moment it was like instant relief. Pain subsided and the anesthesiologist was brought in to finally do the epidural. My doctor left while I was getting ready for my epidural, we all thought things would slow down now. Anneliese, on the other hand, had her own plan. As I was getting prepped for the epidural my contractions came back immediately and were in full force. My back had been numbed and the epidural was about to be threaded and I knew we didn't have time. I told the anesthesiologist that we were done and I needed to push. It was the most intense pain I had ever experienced. I was terrified, tired emotionally and physically, and knew that we might have a lifeless little girl in our arms to say goodbye to soon. Every fear, crazy emotion and dread for that moment seemed to overwhelm me and I wondered if I could be strong enough to keep this up. And then, as if in an instant, she was here. The second she took a breath and was in my arms, all fear was replaced with the most intense peace and love. She was perfect! Just 62 minutes after being admitted to labor and delivery, we were holding her in our arms. At only 2lbs 2oz and 13 inches long, she was perfect. She was just like her big sister in the fact that she couldn't keep her tongue in her mouth, for being 9 weeks premature, she still had chubby little cheeks on her which we were so grateful for.
While the nurses finished up with me, Jake held Anneliese and sent one of the nurses out to get Jillian and my mom who were still in the waiting area. Just a few minutes later, Anneliese got to meet her big sister and grandma. We were perfectly calm, as Anneliese, 9 weeks premature, fought for every breath to spend 45 incredible minutes with us. It was so peaceful and calm. I don't know how else to describe it…it was everything the labor and delivery HADN'T been:) Suddenly, the pain was gone, and all that mattered in that moment was us being together as a family. I just wanted Jillian, Jake and Anneliese close to me, all together, celebrating this miracle together.
My dad arrived in time to see and hold Anneliese just as she took her final breath, just 45 minutes after taking her first.
Jake's parents arrived about 10 minutes later and were able to hold her little body, and still feel of the sweet peace she left with us.
This entire experience has strengthened our testimonies of Heavenly Father's love for us and his great plan of happiness of which we are all a part. We are so grateful, and humbled, by all of our family and friends who prayed diligently with us that we might be able to meet our Anneliese. Heavenly Father and Anneliese answered those prayers, and we felt Anneliese wanted us to feel of her love and gratitude. This little angel managed to not only survive a natural, breech delivery, but was strong enough to be with us as a family for 45 wonderful minutes!
Friday, January 24, 2014
Anneliese Audrey
Anneliese Audrey was eager to be a part of our family. She arrived 9 weeks premature at 6:38am yesterday morning, January 23rd, 2014. At 2 lbs 2 ounces and 13 inches long, she spoiled us by allowing us to snuggle her for 45 minutes before returning to her eternal home on the other side of the veil. We feel so grateful and blessed to have met her and felt of her sweet spirit. Our hearts are filled with gratitude toward our Savior for overcoming death that we might be reunited with her again someday. She was absolutely perfect in every way, and we are comforted by our faith and knowledge that children are perfected in Christ.
We will post her full birth story and arrival when we have had some time to digest all that we've experienced! We feel incredibly blessed and humbled having met her and welcomed her into our eternal family.
We will post her full birth story and arrival when we have had some time to digest all that we've experienced! We feel incredibly blessed and humbled having met her and welcomed her into our eternal family.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
New Doctor!
On Wednesday, Jake and I had our first appointment with our new doctor, Dr. Clark. We met Dr. Clark after our big genetic counseling appointment when we found out about Annelise's diagnosis. She was amazing! She was great at the counseling appointment and she exceeded all of our hopes on Wednesday! It was like she truly wanted to know us! Not just how I was at that moment, or even just this pregnancy. She asked lots of questions and talked about Anneliese like any other sweet little baby. Anneliese wasn't deformed or lacking in any way, or an "it"...she was our little girl and she wanted to make sure we enjoyed every moment with her! Jake and I left feeling excited! For the first time in months, Jake and I just felt happy to be pregnant again. I'm so grateful for her and her staff! And for the feelings of peace and joy that filled our hearts again! We have needed it so much lately and I feel so blessed to have pure joy again!!
Monday, January 6, 2014
Hoping for Hope
As this year has started I have had to force myself to make positive and hopeful goals. Usually at the beginning of every year I would think, 'Maybe this is the year we'll have a baby.' But, this year, since I know we are having and losing our little girl. . .its definitely made it harder to hope for much after we have Anneliese.
I found it hard to get excited for 2014....because quite frankly 2013 was a REALLY hard year, and if I'm losing a child to kick off this year, how in the world is 2014 going to be any better?! I noticed that all of my hopes were on things I had absolutely no control over. I can't change Anneliese's diagnosis, I can't change how soon I can get pregnant again after having her, and I can't change the fact that 2014 will end and Jillsie still won't have a sibling here with her.
So, this year we are hoping for hope! We are focusing on the things we CAN control. Doing fun projects, growing closer to each other and our Heavenly Father, making fun vacation plans for the future, and trusting that we CAN get through this trial stronger than we were before. We can't change the past, and we can't control much of the future. . . But we can control how we act and grow through this experience. So we are hoping for hope this year!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)